Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Get Your Tickets Now!

Having a hard time understanding the following:

1) How does a youth football camp go with the Kentucky Derby?

2) Aside from being Alabama natives, what on earth could Kerry Rhodes and T.O. have to say to each other?

3) Why does the flyer look like an invite to Club Ovation with DJ Camillo on the 1s and 2s?

4) Will Owens being showing these high school football players how to swallow 25 painkillers at once?

5) Will Jennifer Hudson be on-hand with boyfriend Rhodes at the event handing out BK spicy chicken crisp sandwiches?

A-Rod Hits DL to Perfect Waterfall Pose, Frost His Tips, Sleep With Mrs. Canseco, Get a Rub-Down from Biff Henderson and Cuddle With Jeter

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

BREAKING NEWS: Brazilian Soccer Star Ronaldo Loves Transvestite Prostitutes!

Jets Send Joe-Ko Packing, Waive Living Legend

After signing Packers Tight End Bubba Franks to a contract during the offseason and moving up in Saturday's NFL Draft to select Purdue TE Dustin Keller in the first round, the Jets have no shortage of TE's on their roster. Last year's starter Chris Baker is unhappy with his contract situation and it is speculated that he will be released in the coming weeks. In a roster move announced yesterday, the Jets have released FB Stacy Tutt as well as Upstate New York bar-hopping/hair-gellin' legend Joe "Joe-Ko" Kowalewski. A versatile player, Kowalewski can also play fullback, defensive end and linebacker as displayed in his years beating up geeks at Syracuse University. An undrafted signee in 2006, Joe-Ko spent the 2007 season on the Jets practice squad before making his NFL Debut in the infamous SpyGate game vs. New England on opening weekend in 2007. The big fella hauled in his one and only touchdown in a home game last November vs. Washington on a pass from Jets QB Kellen Clemens (RV99 was fortunate enough to be in the house for this historic touchdown). Hopefully Joe-Ko will find his way onto another team's roster and if not, the Jets would be insane not to lock him back up for their practice squad. Most famous for his deer-in-headlights look at all times, Joe-Ko was also an academic star at Syracuse where he earned his degree in retail and consumer studies. His true passion was singing fantastic songs such as "Piano Man" and "Proud to Be An American" while sipping on free cocktails and chasing freshman skirts at his second home on campus, Konrad's Sports Bar (R.I.P.).

The $126 Million Heist

The San Francisco Giants have decided to send "ace" pitcher Barry Zito and his 7-year $126 million contract to the bullpen. Zito has posted an impressive 0-6 record with a 7.53 ERA in six starts in 2008. Granted the Giants are one of the worst teams in baseball providing very little run support for Zito, but who can forget his statement last year after signing with San Fran: "I will not be satisfied with one World Series ring...I want multiple." Talk about the joke of the century. Zito has been replaced in the rotation by Pat Misch, who was just recalled from Triple-A Fresno. Zito is shown in the photo above on the day he signed his outrageous contract with the Giants prior to the 2007 season. ESPN's Pedro Gomez asked Zito on a scale from 1-10, how much he ripped off the Black and Orange with his 7-figure contract. Zito responded with a show of fingers...

Surprise, Surprise - Nomad Brown Rumored to Land in The Queen City

Apparently the 67-year-old Long Island native was not satisfied with being out of the head coaching ranks and has reportedly agreed to terms to become the new Head Coach of the Charlotte Bobcats. After recently resigning from his post as 76ers Team President, it has been speculated that the four-eyed wonder was looking for his chance to get back on an NBA bench. The Bobcats fired Head Coach Sam Vincent after only one season and it appears thar former local hero and UNC basketball legend Larry Brown will return to his roots and coach the North Carolina franchise. Bobcats Owner Michael Jordan loves Brown as they both played under legendary coach Dean Smith at UNC and Brown is known to wear only Jordan-brand sneakers on and off the court. Brown's last failed experiment came in 2005-06 when he was Head Coach of the New York Knicks, a team he grew up rooting for. While coaching the Eastern Conference doormat, Brown feuded with owner Jimbo Dolan, Team President Isiah "Sexual Predator" Thomas and most notably refused to cooperate with the organization's media policy prior to his dismissal.

Over the past three decades, Brown has coached in college at Davidson, UCLA, Louisville and Kansas. He also had two stints in the ABA where he coached the Denver Rockets and the Carolina Cougars prior to making his way into the NBA. Brown has coached the Nuggets, Nets, Spurs, Clippers, Pacers, 76ers, Pistons, Knicks and now the Bobcats. For the mathematically challenged, that is a total of 9 NBA franchises and he has only won a single championship with the 2003-04 Pistons. The following season he took Detroit to the finals as well and was fired immediately after losing the series.

So why does Larry The Nomad keep getting jobs if he's impossible to deal with and is not known for winning championships? Apparently he has such an impressive tie collection that he never wears the same tie twice. For some reason, this impresses everyone around basketball and Brown gets hired.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Riley Steps Down as Heat Coach, Wins RV99 Hair of the Week Award

At 3:04pm EST today, the Associated Press, South Florida Sun Sentinel and the Miami Herald all announced that Pat Riley has decided to step down as Head Coach of the Miami Heat following a disgraceful 15-67 season, but he will stay on as Team President. Prior to this announcement, Miami Herald columnist and PTI contributor Dan LeBatard was slated for the RV99 Hair of the Week Award for his creatively curly chest hair. However, with this big news, Riles takes home the honors and LeBatard will need to wait for future weeks in order to win this prestigious award. Through his years of coaching and winning championships with the Lakers and Heat (unfortunately NOT with the Knickerbockers), Riles has always been recognized by his token slicked-back hair style. Never is a single strand of hair out of place and Mr. Riley has been using a product called Jack Black Body Building Hair Gel for at least two decades. The product costs a whopping $16.95 for a tiny 4 oz. tube: This unique gel provides superior hold and control with a lightweight clean feel. No sticky residue to weigh hair down, no build-up, no flaking. Panthenol and Vitamin B6 infuse hair with luster and shine, while the alcohol-free formula keeps hair looking healthy, not dry or brittle. Natural Grapefruit and Ginger extracts leave hair smelling fresh and clean. Fragrance Free. Colorant-Free. Go get 'em, Riles!

Hudson Ends Relationship With BK, Chooses Rhodes

In a story broken by the ever-reliable National Enquirer, apparently actress Jennifer Hudson has ended her relationship with long-time sweetheart Burger King and is now reportedly dating New York Jets Safey Kerry Rhodes. Well-known for her love of the spicy chicken crisp sandwich (seen to the left), Hudson realized there comes a time in every woman's life where she must pick a man over a sandwich (sorry ladies, this is true). In recent weeks, Hudson has been spotted in Manhattan at a variety of poultry restaurants with beau Rhodes. Said Hudson in mid-bite last week at a Popeye's Chicken in midtown, "This is like heaven, I got my man and my bucket 'o chicken, best of both worlds!" At a fundraiser for the charity People Who Love Chicken last week, Rhodes flashed the "look of death" when a cameraman tried to use a wide-angle lens to get both Hudson and her plate of food in the same shot. The attempt was unsuccessful as Hudson was lucky enough that photo omitted the gallon 'o gravy inches from her plate of chicken on the table.

Zach Thomas Signs With Cowboys, Pre-Order Your Jake Long Jersey Now!

Friday, April 25, 2008

Dukes Cleans Up Animal Crap, Is a Real Stand-Up Citizen

Current Washington Nationals OF and former Tampa Bay Ray, wife beater, child threatener and convicted drug abuser Elijah Dukes is in the news today without even playing in a Major League game in 2008. Dukes was sentenced to one year probation in September after pleading no contest to a misdemeanor marijuana possession charge. Since he completed 25 hours of community service during the past week cleaning cages and mopping at Lowry Park Zoo, the judge agreed to shorten his probation to six months. While Dukes enjoyed his time at the zoo, cleaning animal feces off of cages and mopping semen off the floor following daily giraffe "sexy time" activities, he is ready to return to America's Pasttime and take his game to the National League. Perhaps when the Nationals call up Dukes, his fellow teammates will force him to mop their feces off the clubhouse floor as an act of rookie hazing.

The Kelvin Sampson Chronicles

Former Indiana and Oklahoma University Men's Basketball Coach and admitted cheater Kelvin Sampson may not be jobless for long. Confirmed reports out of Milwaukee claim that newly hired head coach Scott "NBA Jam Session" Skiles has been making a strong push for the text-message savvy Sampson to join his staff as an assistant coach. When asked by the Milwaukee Cheese Journal, Skiles had this to say: "When a guy like Kelvin is available, you have to hire him. I mean the man has absolutely zero NBA coaching experience, hasn't been an assistant in over a decade and makes his living bending the rules. What organization wouldn't want to bring in someone of Kelvin's stature? He's coached at two big-time NCAA programs, been forced out at every stop he's made and his parents were so wound-up on crack when he was born that they didn't even know how to spell KEVIN! Sign him up, Buck-er-roos, here comes the Skiles and Sampson show. Season tickets sales just went through the roof!"

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Fielder Loves Veggies, Kruker Is a Different Story!

Hungry?? Why Wait?

Babe Ruth was well-known for satisfying his enormous appetite with hot dogs and beers in the dugout during games. In last night's Yankees vs. White Sox game in the 5th inning, Sox CF (and fattest leadoff hitter in baseball) Nick Swisher, was unable to catch Jorge Posada's line drive double that scored 2 runs. Rather than stopping the ball with his glove, Swisher snagged the baseball with his mouth like a golden retriever (NOTE: speaking of golden, Swisher began the season with one of the ugliest blonde dye-job goatees in baseball history). Once the inning ended, Swisher came running back to dugout in a rage of hunger, looking for anything short of a water cooler to shove in his mouth!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Avery to Intern at Fashion Magazine VOGUE, Ricky Vaughn 99 Left Speechless

Isiah Lands in Latex, Agrees to Terms with Vandelay Industries

In a shocking turn of events, Isiah Thomas has left his post as [insert job title here] of the New York Knickerbockers to pursue a career in importing and exporting in the latex industry. Just yesterday it had been announced that in Thomas' reduced role with the Knicks, he would not work at MSG in a full-time capacity, nor would he be permitted to have any contact with the players. There had been whispers of Isiah leaving the organization to pursue other opportunities in basketball, however after failing to land the head coaching job for the middle school girls basketball team at a special needs school for the blind and the deaf in New York, Thomas knew his round ball days were behind him. "At Vandelay Industries, Mr. Thomas will be a Sales Coordinator and report to the Director of Operations. His duties will include clerical and administrative tasks as well as working towards the common goal of our company for the overall improvement of all latex and latex related products," said Art Vandelay, founder and president of Vandelay Industries. "He reeeeeaaaally wants to be my latex salesman!" When reached by the Daily News, Isiah commented on these reports, "I have enjoyed my tenure with the Knicks but there comes a time in every man's life where he must make the important decision to concentrate more on the exporting rather than importing of latex and latex related products. I relish this challenge." It was reported that Thomas accepted the position at Vandelay after mulling over similar offers from Play Now, a playground equipment manufacturer, The Human Fund, a charitable organization specializing in giving money to people, and Kramerica Industries (it is believed this company is involved in solving the earth's "oil problem.").

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Bobby Cox Making Switch to Smokeless Tobacco, Spotted at Jets Game Yelling at Chicks

In early March, the New York Mets announced that for the team's final season at Shea Stadium, there will be a complete ban on smoking inside the stadium. When longtime Atlanta Braves Manager Bobby Cox caught wind of this, he assumed the ban was only on cigarettes. "I think that's a great idea," Cox said after Monday night's 7-3 victory over Washington at Turner Field. Upon finding out the ban includes all types of smoking products, even cigars and blunts, known to be favorites of the large-bellied skipper, Cox became livid. "The clubhouse doesn't count," Cox quipped. The Braves play 9 games at Shea this season and Cox has already begun researching smokeless tobacco products and has consulted 'dip aficionado' Lenny Dykstra for some advice as to which product to use the next time he comes to New York.

This past September, Cox was seen at a New York Jets football game at the Meadowlands vs. the Steelers. At halftime, Cox went to the stairwell to puff on the remains of his tailgate blunt and was spotted pressed firmly up against the railing pumping both fists in the air screaming and encouraging young co-eds: "T-I-T-S! TITS! TITS! TITS! Show Your Tits! Show Your Tits!" Following this scene, a Steelers fan complained to local police and the stairwell has been shut down ever since. Thanks for ruining a good thing for us, Bobby!

Sports Hair of the Week

Shut up, Todd McShay! Nobody questions the knowledge, scouting and THE HAIR of the one and only Mel Kiper, Jr. As the 2008 NFL Draft kicks off at 3pm EST on Saturday, it is only fitting to nominate Mel and his mop 'o hair as Ricky Vaughn 99 Sports Hair of the Week. Since 1984, Kiper has had the greatest job in sports, in essence studying and preparing 363 days during the year for April's 2-day draft. Mel knows football, Mel knows character, Mel knows team needs, and most importantly Mel knows quality hair gel! He is always seen on television with at least a half bottle of hair gel neatly combed into his thick jet black hair. Kiper credits former Giants and Baltimore Colts General Manager Ernie Accorsi for encouraging him to become an NFL Draft analyst. Accorsi told him that there was a market for draft information and that Kiper should convert his expertise into a business. Kiper then founded Kiper Enterprises in 1981 while in college at Essex Community College in Maryland. It is responsible for all aspects of a series of annual publications including the NFL Draft Report and Draft Preview. Kiper Enterprises continues to operate, offering information about future NFL draft prospects. Kiper has never participated in football on any level and his claim to fame aside from NFL Draft coverage and spectacular hair was in his role as an extra in Martin Scorcese's 1990 epic film "Goodfellas."

El Duquecito - We Hardly Knew You

Remember Cuban native Adrian "El Duquecito" Hernandez? Chances are you do not. As the Yankees were battling towards the end of their World Series dynasty in 2000, a young Cuban pitcher was making headlines in the minor leagues. El Duquecito was supposed to be the next El Duque, one of the greatest postseason pitchers in Yankee history. While it is up in the air as whether the two pitchers are related or not, 'Cito crafted his delivery very similar to that of his predicessor, with the high leg kick bringing his left knee dangerously close to his face. In 2001 he made his Major League debut with the Yankees, starting 3 games and posting an impressive 3.68 ERA although he did not record a win. 2002 was a completely different story as 'Cito was only given one start and was rocked for 8 earned runs over 6 innings. After spending 2003 out of baseball, El Duquecito returned in '04 to pitch for the Brewers where he struggled mightily in five relief appearances and one spot start. It is unknown what Hernandez is up to these days as a 33-year-old retiree but after an extensive google search it is clear that he is not in fact Adrian F. Hernandez, a reknown heart transplant doctor located in Durham, NC nor is he Mexican boxer Adrian Hernandez.

The Legend of the Gump

In last night's game 7 victory for the Montreal Canadiens, rookie goaltender Trevor Pryce broke former Canadien and Ranger goalie legend Gump Worsley's record for shutouts in a playoff series.Pryce's performance was nothing short of impressive, but Gump is the man who is one of the most notable old-school goaliesBorn and raised in Montreal, he was nicknamed Gump because of resembled the comic-strip character Andy Gump. Accused by Rangers' coach Phil Watson of having a beer belly, he replied, "He should know better than that. He knows I only drink scotch." He was also vehemently opposed to wearing a mask. He was in fact the second-to-last goaltender to play without a mask, wearing one only in the last six games of his career. Asked about why he chose to go without he told reporters, "My face is my mask." Gump won four Stanley Cups in '65, '66, '68 and '69 and was inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame in 1980.

Monday, April 21, 2008

BREAKING/UPSETTING NEWS: Barry Melrose Trims Back of Mullet

Thank you Donnie Walsh!

"Following a lot of discussion and thought, I made the decision that Isiah will no longer coach the team,” Walsh said during a late-afternoon conference call. “I value Isiah and his knowledge of the game, and he will remain with the organization, reporting directly to me...I can’t really tell you where he failed with the club,” Walsh said. “I feel like some of the bigger events that happened on the way with Isiah have overshadowed some of the good things he’s done for the franchise. I think he can help us with this franchise.”

Thomas will not have a job title and will have nobody in the organization reporting to him!

Hankie Pankie

Hank Steinbrenner has a big mouth just like his father, although he lacks the baseball knowledge and overall intelligence that Big Stein has always had. While Hank spent the past 20 years working on his families' horse farm and perfecting his "cool guy cigarette smoking technique," he was completely absent from front office decisions being made in Yankee land. Hank showed his ignorance during the offseason when he pushed heavily for the Yanks to unload a myriad of young talent in exchange for Johan Santana, who eventually landed in New York, but not in the Bronx. Now he is throwing first year manager Joe Giradi under the bus with his most recent statements regarding Joba Chamberlain: "I want him as a starter and so does everyone else, including him, and that is what we are working toward and we need him there now," Steinbrenner told the New York Times. "There is no question about it, you don't have a guy with a 100-mile-per-hour fastball and keep him as a setup guy. You just don't do that. You have to be an idiot to do that." Unfortunately there's only one idiot patrolling the halls at Yankee Stadium and while his name is Hank, he cannot be confused by any stretch of the imagination with a certain other Hank who held the all-time homerun record until last season.

Sunday, April 20, 2008


In a scintillating 7th inning matchup in tonight's ESPN Sunday Night Baseball Game between the Mets and Phillies, the the theme was Pedro and the most notable one (Martinez - DL, hamstring, out 4-6 weeks) was completely absent. In stepped one of my favorite late-round/free agent fantasy players, Pedro Feliz, to pinch hit for Phillies starting pitcher Adam Eaton against Mets reliever Pedro Feliciano. You read it right: a Feliz/Feliciano duel - smiles and cheerfulness aside - Pete Happy knocked one out of Citizens Bank Park off Pete Happiness putting the Phils back on top 5-4. Philadelphia won the game by that same score. Prior to this huge home run, Feliz's biggest accomplishment in a Phillies uniform was last week when teammate Ryan Howard hit a towering 450 foot home run, Pedro was there to greet him after he crossed the plate and had the honor of slapping the big slugger and former NL MVP on the right shoulder (seen above). Way to go, Pedro!

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Bye Bye Cuthbert, Hello Bush?

The New York Post has reported that first daughter Barbara Bush has been spotted at several New York Rangers games this season, most recently at Sunday's night's first round playoff game vs. the Devils. Bush was seen wearing a large ring on her left hand but it is not confirmed that she is engaged. The man sitting with Bush has been linked to some Sean Avery parties in the past, which begs the question: Is Avery sniffing some Bush???

Dios Mio! Tejada Admits to Lying About Age

Earlier today, Houston Astros SS Miguel Enchilada, errrr, I mean Tejada spoke with General Manager Ed Wade regarding falsifying his age since he was drafted as a teenager by the Oakland Athletics. When he signed his first major league contract with the A's, he was actually 19 years of age while he claimed to be 17. This move had the brilliant backing of his coach at the time. This makes Tejada now 33 years old and not 31 as stated on the back of his baseball card. Said Wade: "Miggy was anxious to get this off his chest and he feels like a weight has been lifted following his admission. This could also be a better indicator of his statistical fall-off in recent years rather than all of the illegal steroids he's been shooting into his body since childhood in the DR." Tejada will now receive retirement benefits being that he is now considered a senior citizen and the Astros have announced that May 25th (Tejada's birthday) will be Miguel Tejada Grisly Adams Beard Night at the stadium, where all fans 21 and older will receive a long grey removable beard to honor their great old shortstop!

Sabathia Has Another Gram Slam in Mind, Gets Shelled Again

It has been an extremely rough start to the 2008 season for last year's American League Cy Young Winner Cleveland Indians ace C.C. Sabathia. His record fell to a career-worst 0-3 after last night's shellacking by the lowly Detroit Tigers. CC allowed 8 hits, 9 earned runs and 5 walks in only 4+ innings of work. His ERA, a lofty 13.50, is the highest earned run average of any pitcher in his first three starts following a Cy Young season in the history of baseball. The most memorable part in last night's drubbing was when Sabathia gave up a grand slam to Tigers SS Edgar Renteria which knocked the hefty lefty out of the game. Instead of taking a seat in the dugout to watch the rest of the game play out and eat a couple of hot dogs, Sabathia went into the clubhouse and left Progressive Field in full uniform before getting in his Escalade and speeding away. When asked this morning what his rush was to leave the ballpark last night, Sabathia responded: "After seeing Rent hit that monster grand salami off me, all I could think about was having a delicious Grand Slam Breakfast at Denny's for only $5.99! It's great, they give you your choice of eggs and pancankes and it comes with a trifecta of bacon, sausage and ham! I mean, does life get any better than the grand slam and Denny's is always open!" Sabathia then continued chewing his 24-inch smoked beef jerky stick before arriving for the morning workout which he would not be participating in.

Missing Blonde Bombshell Natalie Holloway Discovered on Bobby Jenks's Chin!!

She's alive!

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

That's All Folks!


Sports Hair of the Week

Any blog with a photo of Don Zimmer automatically becomes a better blog! Big Zim always keeps that hair of his nice and short but never completely shaved as he wants to portray that chia pet look at all times.

Happy 56th B-day Billy Belichick!

Mad props to the world wide web for making it possible to find a photo of Bill Belichick, some random kid and a shirtless Jimmy Johnson enjoying a sunny afternoon aboard a boat! While it is arguable to put an image of the hated coach on this blog, it is important to note the 18-1 tagline on his shirt as well as the ratty Pats hooded sweatshirt that the damn kid tossed overboard! Anybody else notice the kid is a spitting image of the kid from Two and a Half Men?!? All I know is cheaters never win and winners never cheat, so Happy 56th, BB, may you and your boy Matt Walsh have a wonderful day!

Entire Rays Team Wears #42 to Honor Mariano Rivera...

...and then they do the unthinkable and reach base on an infield single against the future Hall of Fame closer! Yankees won the game 5-3, Rivera locked down the save.

Has Anybody Seen Freddy This Season??

How can you not just love that spoon?!?

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Herschel Walker is Richard Simmons?

In an exclusive interview on "Nightline" last night, former NFL Running Back Herschel Walker admitted that he has a disease called DID, formerly known as multiple personality disorder. In his just released book, "Breaking Free" the 46-year-old Walker delves into his struggles with a mental disorder of which he had a dozen distinct personalities, one being the famous exercise guru Richard Simmons. Following his retirement in 1997, Simmons, errrr I mean Walker has been consumed by the disorder, even at one point playing Russian roulette with a loaded pistol while sitting in his kitchen. Walker's ex-wife Cindy Grossman, did not know about the DID until after their 16 year marriage. When asked why she was so clueless, Walker responded: "Cindy is extremely dumb. She was a cheerleader and married a football player, enough said. Now let's get those bodies in shape! Woo hoo! Focus, focus people! And stretch, feel that burn! Oh yeah!"

Unit Returns to the Hill with Flowing Mullet

The Big Mullet returned to the mound last night following a long hiatus after another back surgery, which cut his 2007 season short after a meager 10 starts. While the D-Backs lost the game 5-4, The Rand Man pitched a marvel of a game in his return, going 5 innings while giving up 3 hits, 4 walks and no earned runs while striking out an impressive 7 batters. In his return to the majors, it is ever-apparent that Johnson is back in the game for two distinct reasons:

1) He can ONLY pitch with a long, flowing mullet (displayed by his Kevin Brown-like performance in Yankee pinstripes sans mullet)

2) He has only returned for selfish reasons - he is 16 career wins shy of 300

With a solid season, Johnson has a shot at 300 wins, but at the age of 44, it seems like it's this year or never. Life after baseball will not be so bad either, as Randy has collected handsomely in his 20 major league seasons and it has been rumored that he is mulling over a multi-year deal to join NASCAR as a Mullet Analyst.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Carmelo Arrested for Steve Swindal-esque Move

In a shocking series of events completely uncharacteristic of his off-the-court behavior, 2003 NCAA Tournament Most Outstanding Player and this season's 4th leading scorer in the NBA Carmelo Anthony has been arrested for "suspicion of driving under the influence and looking for young tail at 4am." In the past, Anthony has shown some immaturity by getting into a fist fight at Madison Square Garden in 2007 as well as appearing in a thugged out video about the importance of not snitching on your local drug dealers. This incident is somewhat similar to that of former Yankees employee and son-in-law to The Big Stein, Steve Swindal. Pulled over in the wee hours of the morning in Tampa, Swindal was obviously out on the town scrounging for a better lookin' lady that the one sleeping in his bed at home. So the question here is what was The Melo Man doing driving around at 4am? The local watering holes in Denver close at 1am. Could he have possibly been out combing the streets for sexual relations with a woman NOT named LaLa?!? How could that possibly be the case? Melo has some solid work in the months ahead getting his reputation back in order and hopefully Nike doesn't drop his huge contract extension. But at least he didn't wind up like Tony LaRussa, slouched over the wheel passed out drunk!

Who is the real Hot Dog?

In an act unheard of in the city of New York, the Knickerbockers are bribing fans to attend "Fan Appreciation Night" this evening to see the lowly Knicks take on the NBA's best Boston Celtics by offering free food and soft drinks to all fans who attend the game. In an effort to say "thanks...and we know how badly we suck" the Knicks have unveiled plans to dress Head Coach and General Manager Isiah Thomas in a hot dog suit to wear on the sidelines as fans jeer and throw tomatoes at the unpopular and incompetent coach. This madness is sure to be a complete mess as fans will push and fight one another for sure-to-be watered down fountain sodas and "dirty water dogs." Vegas Odds for the free pretzels to actually be fresh are showings odds of 56:1, ironically the same amount of losses for Jim Dolan's boys this season. PLEASE NOTE: Baked beans and fruit cup (pictured above) will not be offered on the gratis menu.

MSG Marketing Dept. Officially on Crack

Friday, April 11, 2008

Rays Reliever Reyes Latest 'Don't Tase Me Bro' Victim

NJ Tech Hires Engles to Turn Around 0-29 Program

In a stunning move, New Jersey Institute of Technology has found a human being to take over their 0-29 men's basketball program. The sad soul's name is Jim Engles, a former assistant coach at Rider, Wagner and Columbia for the past 18 years. When reached by the AP for comment, Engles explained his decision to take the job at NJIT: "Everyone told me it was a dog job, but hey it's a head coaching position and nobody else in their right mind was willing to give me an opportunity like this. We have nowhere to go but up and I look forward to this new and exciting challenge." While posting victories is what Engles' number one priority will be, restoring some respect for the Newark, NJ program will go a long way and help the school put more than the 150 butts in the seats of the Fleisher Athletic Center than in the 2006 photo above. Engles has announced that his coaching staff will consist of former Sopranos actor Steven "Bobby Bacala" Schirippa and an Adult Film Star from Bloomfield, NJ by the name of Candy.

LSU Hires Stanford's Johnson (Hairy Palms and all) as New Head Coach

After losing the ever-so-funny-looking Lopez twins following their Elite 8 appearance in this yeat's NCAA Tournament, Head Coach Trent Johnson followed the twins out the door. After compiling an 80-48 record in his three seasons at the Cardinal helm, Johnson decided it was time for him and his stylish hairdo and overly hairy palms to make a big move. He did so yesterday, officially becoming the new Head Coach for the LSU Men's Basketball Team.