Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Pedroia Family Reels in MVP Trophy, Child Molestation Charges

This winter while Red Sox young second baseman Dustin Pedroia was celebrating improvements in his golf game after being ousted in the MLB Playoffs and also taking home the American League MVP Award, his older brother Brett was dealing with some issues of his own involving young adolescent boys and touching and kissing their wee-wee's. Woodland, California police say that 30-year-old Brett Pedroia was booked at the Yolo County jail Jan. 9 on two counts of oral copulation and lewd acts with a child under age 14. Both of these charges are felonies. He was released on $50,000 bail and a court hearing was set for Feb. 4. The crimes allegedly took place four years ago when the boy was just 8 years old, but the alleged victim only recently told one of his parents, who contacted authorities. Pedroia’s family owns a tire business in Woodland, a city of 53,000 people about 20 miles north of Sacramento. The defendant “may have worked for the family business.” Reportedly, Dustin Pedroia, 25, and his brother are not close and have not spoken in recent years and all of us here at RV99 would hope that once Dusty Pants has his first child, he keeps it as far away as humanly possible from his sick and perverted brother!

Friday, January 23, 2009

Grizzlies Fire Iavaroni, Name His Replacement

In a shocking twist of events, Memphis Grizzlies have fired Head Coach Mike Iavaroni after a season and a half of constant losing and replaced him with Borat Sagdiyev, a Kazakhstani immigrant with absolutely no experience playing or coaching the game of basketball. After the Grizz attempted to lure lip-smacking babbling former coach Avery Johnson from the ESPN booth and the little sucker declined, management decided to go in a different direction. When contacted by the Associated Press, Grizzlies Owner Michael Heisley stated, "In an ever-changing international game, we were looking to bring aboard a coach with a different cultural background, even if he is not familiar with how to properly use an American toilet." This is the first known hiring of a coach in professional sports who admittedly does not even know the rules of the sport but Mr. U,S and A is ready to meet the challenge head-on. Said Borat, "Coach wear a suit...Borat wear suit. Coach have sexy time with ladies...Borat make sweet sexy love to prostitutes. Coach tell players to do good...Borat will do very good! Very niiiiiiice! You will love my sister! Chin qui!"

ESPN Having Language Issues

Monday, January 12, 2009

Henderson, Rice Elected to Cooperstown

Today it was announced that the Baseball Writers' Association of America have elected Rickey Henderson and Jim Rice (in his 15th and final season of eligibility) to the Baseball Hall of Fame Class of 2009. Henderson was the most prolific leadoff hitter of all time while Rice was simply a solid player for only 10 seasons (RV99 is really just bitter about a Red Sox player gaining entrance to Cooperstown). Some other notable stats from this year's voting: Andre "The Hawk" Dawson received 361 votes (67% of the needed 75% for election), Mark McGwire actually received less votes than last year, netting 118 votes (21.9%), Yankee Captain and fan favorite Don Mattingly received 64 votes (11.9%), and old-timer extraordinaire and long-time hurler Jesse "The Body" Orosco received a single vote (0.2%)! It has not yet been determined which writer voted for Orosco or the quality of crack he was smoking while placing this vote, but either way seeing Orosco's name on the ballot provided several minutes of laughs and constant reminders of all those old man jokes made while the hefty lefty pitched deep into his 40s for at least half the teams in the majors! If I had to guess as to which writer placed his vote for 'ol Jesse, my money is definitely on Buster Olney, who looks like he could swallow at least 2 bottles of Johnny Walker Black Label and stumble onto his computer to make this ridiculous vote. Leave it to a former Vermont dairy farmer to make this absurd selection, thanks Buster!

Eli Looks Like Little Boy As Eagles Pick Apart Struggling Giants Offense

Friday, January 9, 2009

Happy New Year From Eddy Curry, a Beefy Burger and 2 Tasty Milkshakes!

Ricky Vaughan is back for an exciting year in '09! Keep an eye out for more ridiculous and zany articles in the new year.