Sports Hair of the Week

This week's Sports Hair of the Week / Studmuffin of the Century Award goes out to New York Yankees hurler Chien-Ming Wang. Early this morning Wang's wife, Chia-Ling Wu, gave birth to the couple's first child, son Justin Jesse. Hopefully this lifetime highlight will help the Taiwanese starting pitcher correct his form on the hill where he currently boasts an embarrassing 0-4 record with a whopping 14.34 ERA in 5 starts (none of which he even saw the 6th inning). While his pitching prowess needs significant work, his hairdo is another story. With what can certainly be considered an "Asian Mullet," C.-M.W. has a high arching butt-cut in the front with a swooping long triangular form hanging down in the back well below the cap. When pictured on the Yankee bench during Saturday's 15-0 drubbing of the New York Mess on the YES Network, Yankee RF and funnyman Nick Swisher was shown playing with the back of Wanger's hair. Although he is married to a "Cha-cha-cha-CHIA." Wang's 'do is au-natural and he is darn proud of it too! For his piss-poor efforts on the mound and incredible performance in the Asian Mullet-growing category, we here at RV99 honor Chien-Ming Wang with this week's Hair of the Week Award. Hopefully tomorrow, the pitcher can add his first win of the season against the lowly Nationals to his outstanding week. We shall wait and see...

Baseball is Back! Line of the Day...

Carl "Money in the Bank" Pavano: IP, 6 H, 9 ER, 3 BB, 1 K, 81.00 ERA

We miss you, Crazy Carl!

Edgardo Alfonzo Signs with the Giants...Yomiuri Giants, Hates Rice

Former New York Mets standout Edgardo Alfonzo, who has been out of the Major Leagues since 2006, has returned to professional baseball, signing a one-year contract with the Giants for $380,000. The 35-year-old Venezuelan had stints with the Mets, Giants, Angels and Blue Jays and now returns to the Giants, albeit in quite a different setting as he will be traveling across the world to Japan to play for the Yomiuri Giants. "It's an honor to become a member of the Giants and I'll play my hardest to contribute to the best Giants organization in the world," Alfonzo said Monday, as a subtle stab to his former San Francisco Giants who are undergoing a major rebuilding process in the post-Barry Bonds era. Since leaving the majors in '06, Edgardo has played in Mexico and in the independent Atlantic League. While Alfonzo was always sure-handed in the field, he now must overcome his greatest hurdle, rice. Said Alfonzo, "I look forward to playing ball in Japan but I absolutely loathe rice! It's all they eat out there so it should definitely be interesting." Alfonzo plans on making a stop at the Smithsonian Museum prior to departing for Japan where he will be loading up on astronaut food so he can avoid eating rice for as long as humanly possible. We here at RV99 wish Edgardo all the luck and hope that in bringing a second suitcase filled with canned and dried foods to the Far East, he can just say no to rice while playing professionally with the Giants. Good luck, Edgardo, go get 'em slugger!

'Cuse "Bears Down," Chews Apart Mountainers to End 3-Game Skid

BREAKING NEWS: Roger Dorn Getting Old!

Pedroia Family Reels in MVP Trophy, Child Molestation Charges

This winter while Red Sox young second baseman Dustin Pedroia was celebrating improvements in his golf game after being ousted in the MLB Playoffs and also taking home the American League MVP Award, his older brother Brett was dealing with some issues of his own involving young adolescent boys and touching and kissing their wee-wee's. Woodland, California police say that 30-year-old Brett Pedroia was booked at the Yolo County jail Jan. 9 on two counts of oral copulation and lewd acts with a child under age 14. Both of these charges are felonies. He was released on $50,000 bail and a court hearing was set for Feb. 4. The crimes allegedly took place four years ago when the boy was just 8 years old, but the alleged victim only recently told one of his parents, who contacted authorities. Pedroia’s family owns a tire business in Woodland, a city of 53,000 people about 20 miles north of Sacramento. The defendant “may have worked for the family business.” Reportedly, Dustin Pedroia, 25, and his brother are not close and have not spoken in recent years and all of us here at RV99 would hope that once Dusty Pants has his first child, he keeps it as far away as humanly possible from his sick and perverted brother!

Henderson, Rice Elected to Cooperstown

Today it was announced that the Baseball Writers' Association of America have elected Rickey Henderson and Jim Rice (in his 15th and final season of eligibility) to the Baseball Hall of Fame Class of 2009. Henderson was the most prolific leadoff hitter of all time while Rice was simply a solid player for only 10 seasons (RV99 is really just bitter about a Red Sox player gaining entrance to Cooperstown). Some other notable stats from this year's voting: Andre "The Hawk" Dawson received 361 votes (67% of the needed 75% for election), Mark McGwire actually received less votes than last year, netting 118 votes (21.9%), Yankee Captain and fan favorite Don Mattingly received 64 votes (11.9%), and old-timer extraordinaire and long-time hurler Jesse "The Body" Orosco received a single vote (0.2%)! It has not yet been determined which writer voted for Orosco or the quality of crack he was smoking while placing this vote, but either way seeing Orosco's name on the ballot provided several minutes of laughs and constant reminders of all those old man jokes made while the hefty lefty pitched deep into his 40s for at least half the teams in the majors! If I had to guess as to which writer placed his vote for 'ol Jesse, my money is definitely on Buster Olney, who looks like he could swallow at least 2 bottles of Johnny Walker Black Label and stumble onto his computer to make this ridiculous vote. Leave it to a former Vermont dairy farmer to make this absurd selection, thanks Buster!

Show Me the Manny [in New York?]

Mets Make Bizarre Decision to Celebrate Shea Stadium Following Season Collapse

As the New York Mets inched closer and closer to a second consecutive season collapse, it was time for them to send the dump of a ballpark, Shea Stadium, out in style. Who better than Darryl and Doc, Seaver and Harrelson, Piazza and Hernandez? (sarcasm) While not an overly impressive roster of hall of famers and past greats, the Metropolitans are still a New York franchise and have a very large and rather homosexual fan base.

Sunday marked the final regular season game at Shea, and while fans have come to embrace the inexpensively built park over the past 30+ years, it is still by far the worst park in the majors. The most odd decision made was for the Mets organization to hold a Sayonara Celebration not prior to, but rather after the final game which also happened to be the final loss and final collapse for the lowly Mets at Shea. Prior to the game there was at least some hope for the Mets to advance to the postseason. Going into Sunday's action they were tied with the Milwaukee Brewers in the Wild Card and needed a win to stay alive, possibly making yet another game at Shea on Monday against the Brew Crew to determine who advances and who goes home. Johan Santana pitched a masterful game on Saturday to keep the Mets alive with a 2-0 victory but unfortunately the Venezuelan ace is not able to pitch every single game for New York's second best team. In the end, the Mets fell yet again to the pathetic Florida Marlins and packed their bags for the winter, however there was still a completely uncomfortable and poorly timed stadium sendoff celebration to look forward to beforehand! Said Jacob Wolper-Gosler-Costanza, a lifelong Mets fan and Shea dweller: "Winning my fantasy baseball leagues really helped a lot knowing I won over $1,000 while also knowing how absolutely terrible the Mets are. Is it TACO NIGHT again?!?!"

Hideki Irabu, Former Fat Pussy Toad, Arrested in Japan

In one of the year's most bizarre and hilarious episodes, former Yankee pitcher Hideki Irabu has been arrested recently in his native Japan. The 39-year-old Irabu apparently drank 20 mugs of beer in a bar in Osaka, western Japan, and then became violent against the bartender. The Fat Pussy Toad became angered after his credit card was rejected. He then allegedly pushed the bartender against the wall, pulled his hair and smashed at least nine liquor bottles. The bartender sustained no injuries. Irabu paid the bill with another credit card. The police official said Irabu admitted the assault but swore that he was not wearing any of his infamous body magnets while laying the beatdown on the bartender.

RV99 Monday Evening Quote

(From former Yankee pitching legend and current YES Network broadcaster David Cone, after Jason Giambi shaved his mercurial and wondrous mustache) "...and Giambi homers much to the dismay of the American Mustache Institute!"

Way to go Coney, it's great to see the enthusiasm in the booth and was even more fantastic to see you on the hill this past Saturday at the final Old Timer's Day at the old Yankee Stadium! As our good friend Luis Sojo used to say (with incredibly thick and funny accent), "Hey Coney, why don't you have a dance?!?

Sports Mustache of the Month

A familiar face has turned up in a new place. Salvatore Frank Fasano, aka "The Greatest Mustache in Baseball" has made the rounds throughout Major League Baseball, most recently landing in Cleveland as the backup backstop behind Kelly Shoppach. In a special honor to the Syracuse Basketball legend, Big Fat Sal has donned the #44 for Derrick Coleman. Always a huge DC fan, it is great to see Sal and his mustache back in the big leagues. A veteran since 1996, Fasano has played for nine MLB teams including the Royals, Athletics, Rockies, Angels, Phillies, Yankees, Blue Jays and now the Indians. A lifetime .222 hitter, Sal is known more for his stellar defensive but most for his fantastic upper lip fuzz that is always very creative and hairy. At 36 years of age it is unknown how much more baseball the Chicago native has left in those legs and that 'stache of his but at this moment in time, we should all sit back and cherish every moment in which we get to watch Sal on TV.

Manny to be Manny in LA-LA Land, Torre Sells Soul to Devil in Acquiring Worst Teammate in Pro Sports

Pudge Traded to Yanks, Now Must Trade in Unattractive Wife for New One

My sincere apologies to all of my fans for the recent layoff on blogging. It has been a crazy month for RV99 with the trade deadline approaching but now that it has passed and Manny is still a filthy scumbag, please come back to rickyvaughn99.blogspot.com for all your sports spoof needs!

Jason Giambi 'Support the Stache' Campaign Really Heating Up

Chacon Ties Sprewell In Grabbing Authority by the Neck

First it was Latrell Sprewell choking his own coach PJ Carlisimo in Golden State and now Shawn Chacon follows in Spree's footsteps by grabbing Astros General Manager Ed Wade by the throat and throwing him to the ground. Chacon, upset after getting demoted to the bullpen over the weekend, told the Houston Chronicle this problem began when Wade saw him in the dining room before the game against Texas. Wade wanted to meet with Chacon in manager Cecil Cooper's office. It escalated when Wade began chewing Chacon out, screaming at him in the dining hall in front of several other players. Chacon then told Wade, who is a little squirty looking sucker, to look in the mirror and after a few more verbal blows, Chacon lost his cool and physically assaulted the tiny man. The Astros have suspended Chacon indefinitely for insubordination and it is not clear whether he will ever pitch for the team again and the pitcher is also concerned about his future in major league baseball after this defining incident.

Chacon signed a $2 million, one-year contract with Houston in February after spending 2007 with Pittsburgh. He split time as a starter and a reliever there and was 5-4 with a 3.94 ERA and one save in 64 appearances with the Pirates.

RV99 Anna Benson Photo of the Day

Batter up!

Yankee Fans Cheer Farny's Injury

In the 8th inning of yesterday's 4-1 Yankee victory, there was a loud applause at the stadium as Yankee trainer and certified P.I.M.P. Gene Monahan came trotting out of the dugout. While "Monny" justifiably deserves a round of applause from the 57,000+ attendees, the intelligent fan base in the Bronx was actually cheering for the injury that just happened to everyone's favorite Yankee to hate, Kyle Farnsworth. While his ERA is a tolerable 4.24, Farny has replaced Joba Chamberlain as the Yankees' setup man and bridge to future HOF closer Mariano Rivera. He is no Joba Chamberlain, or Tom Gordon, or Paul Quantrill or Mike Stanton even. He probably has better "stuff" than all the guys with the exception of Joba, but it has always been a mental thing with Farny. His fastball has great velocity and strong movement but he always seems to surrender big home run and the worst possible times and the Yankee fan base is never afraid to let him know how they feel. Case in point yesterday afternoon, as the crowd roared after Farnsworth was hurt trying to stop a ground ball with his bare hand, an honest, natural reaction but one that pitchers are always told never to do. It has been reported that Kyle cut the webbing in between his pinky and ring finger and it is not yet known how long the Wichita, Kansas native will be out. One thing manager Joe Girardi does know and that's the fact he needs to send someone out in the 8th inning of a close game that he has supreme confidence in. Is that man Kyle Farnsworth? Perhaps. The fans will certainly say no, and former manager Joe Torre would probably agree with those fans. Can young relievers Edwar Ramirez, Ross Ohlendorf and Jose Veras be groomed for these duties? These are all good questions the Bombers will need to hammer out answers to over the next few months but until that decision is made, it's time for the bats to get hot and get some run support for the thin crop of pitchers on this year's roster.

Blue Jays Fire Gibbons, Name Art Shell New Manager

Get In My Belly! Schill Shelved for the Season

It has been a rough week for American League East pitchers as Anchorage, Alaska native Curt Schilling joins Chien-Ming Wang on the "Oh Crap He's Done for a While" list. At 41 years of age, the big chunky right hander may be getting dangerously close to the end of the road. Interviewed this morning on WEEI-AM (some crappy Boston radio station, I presume), Schill announced that he is slated for season-ending shoulder surgery on Monday and after 20 seasons in the major leagues and no contract for the 2009 season, this has all the indications that Curt intends to hang up his cleats at season's end. ESPN.com lists Schilling at 6'5" 225 lbs, a similar falsification to David Wells' listed height and weight. While he tips the scales at nearly three bills, Schill justifies the 225 number because that was his weight at his high school graduation. "The Big Unit (seen LEFT, about to lock lips with Schilling) has a big crush on me so I must be a real fox! When we were together in Arizona his beautiful flowing mullet and mustache combo was irresistible!" When asked what he intends to do with his fat ass once his career is over Schill pointed to his passion for World War II memorabilia and his love for barbecuing. "Basically, if I can wear camo and roll around the ground while grilling kobe beef steaks and chatting about how great John McCain is, I'd be a real happy bastard."