A-Rod Gets Tips Frosted, Then Learns How to Play Guitar

[Insert 'I miss Bernie Williams' quote here]

A-Rod Hits DL to Perfect Waterfall Pose, Frost His Tips, Sleep With Mrs. Canseco, Get a Rub-Down from Biff Henderson and Cuddle With Jeter

Heads Up! Hawk Attacks A-Rod on School Trip at Fenway

On Thursday, Alex Rodriguez went 0-4 in a 3-2 Yankee victory over the Toronto Blue Jays at Yankee Stadium. How could he have been at Fenway Park earlier in the day? Private jet? No. The answer is he was able to morph himself into Memorial Boulevard Middle Schooler Alexa Rodriguez of Bristol, CT! During their class trip to Fenway Park, a resident red-tailed hawk swooped down from the sky with its talons extended and took off a piece of Alexa's scalp as she began to bleed from the head. The hawk was perched on a railing in the upper deck behind home plate while the group toured the stadium. Vince Jennetta, a teacher who chaperoned her class trip from Bristol, told The Boston Globe that Alexa is "a little shaken, but OK. It's a good think A-Rod brought her purse so she could wack the little sucker to get it off of her." It was later announced that Jennetta is suing little Alexa for trying to make a move on his wife!

A-Rod Wanted to Make Sexy Time With Ex-Mrs. Canseco

According to the website of freelance writer Joe Lavin, Alex Rodriguez "pursued Canseco's wife" while the two sluggers were teammates with the Texas Rangers. This information along with allegations that Canseco introduced A-Rod to his steroids distributor will be released on April 1st with Canseco's new book, "Vindicated: Big Names, Big Liars, and The Battle to Save Baseball." When asked to comment on the claim of the steroids distributor, A-Rod said, "I really, absolutely have no reaction." As far as the allegation regarding Canseco's wife, Rodriguez responded, "I don't know how to answer that. I mean, is Jessica smokin' hot? Absolutely. Did I want to hit that back when I was with Texas and before I married my wife Cynthia? Man, who wouldn't! Do I like to pose questions and then answer them myself? You better believe it, sista!"