Wednesday, December 3, 2008

RV99 Quote of the Day

"I am really happy to be back in Calgary, I love Canada. I just want to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don't know what that's about. Enjoy the game tonight."


Tuesday, December 2, 2008

NRA Proudly Welcomes Newest Member

This morning Charlton Heston, Sarah Palin, Dick Cheney and other very liberal high-ranking members of the NRA welcomed in their newest member, Mr. Plaxico Burress of the New York Football Giants (soon to be of the California Penal League). While Burress prefers the use of his handy .40-caliber Glock 9 weapon while attending church functions, leisurely strolls and games of backgammon at home, he is well-known for his love of rifles while hanging out with his homeboys in Michigan near his alma mater, Michigan State. "Yo son, I ain't a Spartan for nut'n," Burress intelligently explained to ESPN Senior Writer John Clayton. While initial reports stated that Mr. Clayton was with spotted with the Burress crew at the Latin Quarters on Saturday evening popping bottles of Cristal while scooping up honeys and singing along to his favorite Lil' Wayne beats, Clayton insists he was at home in Seattle "gettin' jiggy wit it." While most NRA members enjoy shooting at mail boxes and anyone who is not Caucasian, Burress was still welcomed with open arms and honored for his shooting prowess. Said Heston, "Any individual who is capable of shooting himself in the thigh by accident should be proudly recognized as an NRA member for life." If convinced, Burress faces a minimum of 3 1/2 years in prison and as much as 15 years if he finds himself facing a difficult judge such as Art Vandelay of Waltham, MA. Reached by the Associated Press by phone prior to turning himself into authorities on Monday, Plaxico made the following statement: "I is innocent, ya know what I'm saying. It be false accasation with this whole thing with the glock, I ain't never even use one of them guns. I just want to thank the lord Jesus Christ for giving me the strength to play football at such a high level. I hope that Mayor Mr. Bloomberg eats his words because I be playing in de super bowl again dis year. I just wanna send a shout out to my girl Shaqueepha, my moms, my boy lil' Ray Ray, and all the folks over at the Popeye's on Atlantic Ave. in Brooklyn. Yo son, we be eatin' mad biscuits after this one, Plax is gonna win this case. Peace!" And so it stands, Plaxico graduate, Pro Bowl Wide Receiver, Super Bowl Champion, loving father and devout Christian puts his stamp on life, the streets, thug life and the NRA. Now the fate of this kind gentleman rests with the legal system in the wonderful state of New York.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Interesting Ailment for Vincent Jackson

According to Yahoo Sports, San Diego Chargers Wide Receiver Vincent Jackson has been afflicted by the ailment of "dropitis." Hopefully this injury is not serious enough for a visit to Dr. James Andrews of Birmingham, Alabama!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Starting 11 of Ridiculous Names in Football

1. BenJarvus Green-Ellis (RB - New England Patriots)
2. Marshawn Lynch (RB - Buffalo Bills)
3. LenDale White (RB - Tennessee Titans)
4. Craphonso Thorpe (WR - Kansas City Chiefs
5. Plaxico Burress (WR - New York Giants)
6. Devery Henderson (WR - New Orleans Saints)
7. Braylon Edwards (WR - Cleveland Browns)
8. DeSean Jackson (WR - Philadelphia Eagles)
9. Visanthe Shiancoe (TE - Minnesota Vikings)
10. Ladell Betts (RB - Washington Redskins)
11. D'Qwell Jackson (LB - Cleveland Browns)

Friday, November 14, 2008

Knicks Tickets! Get your Knicks Tickets Here!

In another sad move for New York Knicks fans, supporters and members of the organization, tickets are now available at your local Costco...that's right, Costco! Marc Berman of the NY Post wrote in today's paper how the Knicks are exploring new avenues of revenue in this tough economy and for the first time in known history, have established a partnership with Costco to sell packages of 2 tickets to customers at a rate of 40% off for 300-level nose bleed seats. $70 gets you 2 seats upstairs for any game except for the good one's against Boston, Denver, Cleveland, Golden State, etc, etc, etc. If anyone is looking for mediocre seats to watch the mediocre Knicks play any of the other mediocre teams in the NBA, get your Costco membership started NOW!

RV99 Weekly Celebrity Sighting (with her dog, Licorice)

Jets Knock Off Pats, Take Firm Control of First Place in AFC East as Mangini Teaches The Art of Hugging

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Starting Lineup of Ridiculous Names in Sports

Point Guard - Knowshon Moreno
Shooting Guard - JaMarcus Russell
Center - D'Brickashaw Ferguson
Power Forward - LaMarcus Aldredge
Small Forward - Jamario Moon
6th Man - DeMarcus Ware

Let's add all of these names to the 2009 Book of Baby Names! I plan to name my first born Knowshon Vaughan, it's got a nice ring to it!

Knicks Winning Games, Losing at Marketing...

I bet that "Denver Pistons" game is really selling out fast!

Friday, November 7, 2008

Rangers Keep Winning Despite Young Fan Base

The 11-4 first place Rangers are putting together a very impressive start to the 2008-09 season which began in Prague by beating the crap out of the lowly Tampa Bay Lightning. Last night the 'Ning had their shot at revenge but it was clear who the better hockey team was (not them). Rangers captain Chris Drury had his second career hat trick and first as a Ranger while Henrik Lundqvist impressed yet again with 36 big saves against Barry Melrose and his mulletuous team. While the Rangers keep rolling, ticket prices at MSG have skyrocketed. With the recent woes on Wall St. the corporate boxes have become available for purchase to the Rangers fan base. As shown in the background in the photo above following Ryan Callahan's first period goal last night, little kiddies are buying up all the extra primo seats for the remainder of the season. Asked where he got the funds to purchase the $312 face value front row seat, little Joey LaFemina (shown right in white Rangers road jersey) had a laundry list of chores he has been brushing up on lately which included pickpocketing tourists in midtown, money laundering and my personal favorite pimping himself out to the local elementary school girls. "It's mostly the Asian chicks and the fat slobs who need my lovin'," young Joey so eloquently explained. So there you have it, in a tough time for America's economy, young children are stealing and pimpin' in order to see their favorite hockey team win games. Is this morally ethical one might ask? Probably not, but if little Joey can stay out of the California Penal League I say keep doing what you're doing, Joey!

Friday Name Game

Who will have the most success on Sunday?

a) New Detroit Lions QB Daunte Culpepper
b) Jacksonville Radio Personality and Barbecue aficionado Cole Pepper
c) Crisp vegetable Green Pepper

Send your votes in now!

Jackson Plays Flowbee-like Defense

It SUCKS while it cuts (off Carmelo's braids!). Talk about a great 'stache on this guy!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Knicks Win in Season Opener / Q-Tip Concert / Soprano's Reunion

Daly Arrested Following Hooterrific Night

It has been known for years that John Daly loves booze, cigarettes and strip clubs. Now we all know he's a fan of Hooters as well, as shown this weekend by his antics at a Winston-Salem, NC Hooters restaurant. The portly golfer got so hammered on Saturday night that he blacked out at 1am and paramedics were called to the scene. Daly refused to go to the hospital with paramedics so as Hooters closed, the police were called in to take Daly to jail while the fat slob sobered up. This is a prime example of a Role Model my friends, we all have a lot to learn from this wonderful and respectable human being!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

So Long, Dirty Player

First Tom Brady...then Laurence Rodney Harrison. As the stars of the New England Patriots slowly fall down, has anyone stopped to think maybe these guys got what they deserved? Brady is a cocky S.O.B. and everybody knows that. Maroney gets a pass here since he is young and has no super bowl rings. While Brady is my most hated athlete in sports, Harrison is a close second. Does anyone remember he was suspended last season for using HGH? For some strange reason, Rodney seemed to get a pass when it came to his use of illegal performance-enhancing substances. While the entire universe looked down upon all the baseball players mentioned in the Mitchell Report, everyone failed to notice that Harrison was abusing these substances just as much if not more than the next guy. The human body tends to break down following years of steroid and HGH use and this is exactly what happened to Rodney. The Boston Globe and other media outlets are reporting today that the torn quad suffered on Monday night has ended his season and "for all intents and purposes" his career as well. No tears being shed today by RV99 for the self-proclaimed dirtiest player in football. Harrison is not a first ballot hall of famer, he is not a pro bowler anymore and he is far from a class act. I hope the man disappears out of the game and we never hear from him again. Good riddens, dirty player!

RV99 Weeky Celebrity Sightings

Keira Knightley and Liv Tyler really need to stop taking the expression "mix in a salad" so literally!

Friday, October 17, 2008

Lesson to All: Do NOT Urinate Near Karaoke Establishment

In society today, there are many unspoken truths and "deals" in which people and animals are aware of. The most obvious of these rules in by no means are you to urinate outside of a karaoke club. Just like George Costanza and his so-called deal with the pidgeons (WE HAD A DEAL!), Chinese Ping Pong Gold Medalist Wang Hao, found himself quite flustered after the incident that occurred early Monday morning in China. Said Hao (through a translator): "I found myself overcome with joy that Toothless Rick the Karaoke guy had all my favorite hits - Living on a Prayer, My Father's Eyes, The Titanic Song, Gettin' Jiggy Wit It and Black Balloon, just to name a few. Prior to going up on stage to show the audience my singing skills are up to par with my ping ponging, I needed to "tinkle my winkle." Rather than just use the restroom, which is no fun at all, I decided to water the plants outside the karaoke bar. Apparently the staff was none too pleased with my attempts to improve the health of the grass outside and I was detained." Let this be a lesson to young Chinese ping pong players and people around the world who enjoy urinating outside.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Sports Hair of the Week

Now that is one angry man, that Al Davis! Yesterday afternoon the Owner of the Oakland Raiders made a very public appearance shortly after firing head coach Lane Kiffin and replacing him with Offensive Line Coach Tom Cable. While Davis mentioned lies and distrust at the main reasons for Kiffin's dismissal, one has to ponder the deeper roots (no pun intended) of the issue: Al Davis's MAGIC HAIR!

As Crazy Al gets older and older, he never loses that infamous "luster" with his jet black, slicked-back hair. These days a touch of silver has been added to the sides so that Davis's hair is clearly displaying the silver and black, Raiders team colors. While a good portion of his hair has fallen out over the years, Davis still uses the same 200-gram aerosol can of Armorall Wheel Protectant each day - 2 coats after his morning shower, 2 more just before arriving at work, 2 at lunch, 2 before dinner and one final coat before bed just for good luck!

While his decision not to bring chunkster Art Shell back for a third tenure with the organization was a good one, the jury is still out on former Idaho Head Coach and long-time NFL assistant Cable, who has the same amount of NFL head coaching experience Kiffin had prior to taking the same post (none). Aside from the magnitude and magnetism of Mr. Davis's hair, the other surprising move of the day came when Kiffin was dismissed for cause (conduct detrimental to the team) and therefore his termination came with no further payments from the team. This issue will surely be settled with NFL arbitrators but in a similar move in the 1980s, Davis fired now Broncos Head Coach Mike Shanahan and to this day Shanny is still yet to receive what he is owed for the remainder of his Raiders contract.

That all being said, Al Davis is this week's RV99 Hair of the Week winner and for his excellence in grease and Armorall use, this bud's for you, Al!

Monday, September 29, 2008

Titans of New York Coach Eric Mangini Attempts to Remember if he has Consumed 2 or 3 First Half Hot Dogs

Mets Make Bizarre Decision to Celebrate Shea Stadium Following Season Collapse

As the New York Mets inched closer and closer to a second consecutive season collapse, it was time for them to send the dump of a ballpark, Shea Stadium, out in style. Who better than Darryl and Doc, Seaver and Harrelson, Piazza and Hernandez? (sarcasm) While not an overly impressive roster of hall of famers and past greats, the Metropolitans are still a New York franchise and have a very large and rather homosexual fan base.

Sunday marked the final regular season game at Shea, and while fans have come to embrace the inexpensively built park over the past 30+ years, it is still by far the worst park in the majors. The most odd decision made was for the Mets organization to hold a Sayonara Celebration not prior to, but rather after the final game which also happened to be the final loss and final collapse for the lowly Mets at Shea. Prior to the game there was at least some hope for the Mets to advance to the postseason. Going into Sunday's action they were tied with the Milwaukee Brewers in the Wild Card and needed a win to stay alive, possibly making yet another game at Shea on Monday against the Brew Crew to determine who advances and who goes home. Johan Santana pitched a masterful game on Saturday to keep the Mets alive with a 2-0 victory but unfortunately the Venezuelan ace is not able to pitch every single game for New York's second best team. In the end, the Mets fell yet again to the pathetic Florida Marlins and packed their bags for the winter, however there was still a completely uncomfortable and poorly timed stadium sendoff celebration to look forward to beforehand! Said Jacob Wolper-Gosler-Costanza, a lifelong Mets fan and Shea dweller: "Winning my fantasy baseball leagues really helped a lot knowing I won over $1,000 while also knowing how absolutely terrible the Mets are. Is it TACO NIGHT again?!?!"

RV99 Weekly Celebrity Sighting

Having brunch at the Pink Tea Cup in the west village (he was wearing a shirt!)

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

BREAKING NEWS: Brady's Knee Still a Freakin' Mess

This may never get old...

RV99 Weekly Celebrity Sighting

Yesterday afternoon, RV99 went in to see his local barber Rocco for a little trim job, and who came waltzing in to the shop two minutes later?? You guessed it, none other than James "Tony Soprano" Gandolfini sans NY/mafia accent! A miserable human being even with his wealth and accolades, Big T did not look up a single time from his Daily News during his haircut for RV99 to say something ridiculous and obnoxious...what a shame!