Thursday, June 26, 2008

Chacon Ties Sprewell In Grabbing Authority by the Neck

First it was Latrell Sprewell choking his own coach PJ Carlisimo in Golden State and now Shawn Chacon follows in Spree's footsteps by grabbing Astros General Manager Ed Wade by the throat and throwing him to the ground. Chacon, upset after getting demoted to the bullpen over the weekend, told the Houston Chronicle this problem began when Wade saw him in the dining room before the game against Texas. Wade wanted to meet with Chacon in manager Cecil Cooper's office. It escalated when Wade began chewing Chacon out, screaming at him in the dining hall in front of several other players. Chacon then told Wade, who is a little squirty looking sucker, to look in the mirror and after a few more verbal blows, Chacon lost his cool and physically assaulted the tiny man. The Astros have suspended Chacon indefinitely for insubordination and it is not clear whether he will ever pitch for the team again and the pitcher is also concerned about his future in major league baseball after this defining incident.

Chacon signed a $2 million, one-year contract with Houston in February after spending 2007 with Pittsburgh. He split time as a starter and a reliever there and was 5-4 with a 3.94 ERA and one save in 64 appearances with the Pirates.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

BREAKING NEWS: This Guy Named Real "Champion" in Sam's Eyes

Mulletastic! Melrose Returns to the Bench to Coach Lightning

In board rooms in Bristol, CT today ESPN big wigs are shedding tears for the loss of their #1 NHL analyst, the one and only flowing mulletuous Barry Melrose. While Barry is still alive, healthy and kickin', he has decided to leave the all-sports network to become Head Coach of the Tampa Bay Lightning. Melrose began his coaching career in 1987 when he led the Medicine Hat Tigers to the WHL's Memorial Cup Title. He also coached the Seattle Thunderbirds for the 1988-89 season and the Adirondack Red Wings of the American Hockey League for three seasons (1989-92). Melrose guided the Red Wings to the Calder Cup championship in 1991. He also served as the team's general manager during his final two seasons. While he is certainly known for his knowledge of the sport of hockey and impressive coaching resume, EVERYONE and their mother knows about Barry's sweet, precious, beautiful, well-groomed mullet!

Strahan Expected to 'Fill the Gap' With New FOX Sports Gig

Monday, June 23, 2008

Francesa. Russo Consider Ending Mike & The Mad Dog Show to Pursue Joint-Venture Sauce Company

RV99 Anna Benson Photo of the Day

Batter up!

The Cedric Benson Booze-Hound Stories Roll on...

Recently released former Chicago Bears RB Cedric Benson has had a very eventful offseason which began with his intoxicated boating arrest, escalated to a DWI arrest and concluded with his outright release from the Bears organization due to these behavioral and alcohol-induced problems. On May 3, the former Texas star was charged with boating while intoxicated on Lake Travis and resisting arrest. A few weeks later, he was charged with driving while intoxicated when he was pulled over in downtown Austin. Now the teamless alkie has been instructed to install an ignition lock breathalyzer in his car. This way, Cedric the Booze Hound will not physically be able to drive his car while blacked out and looking for underage hookers. Thank goodness for the justice system!

Yankee Fans Cheer Farny's Injury

In the 8th inning of yesterday's 4-1 Yankee victory, there was a loud applause at the stadium as Yankee trainer and certified P.I.M.P. Gene Monahan came trotting out of the dugout. While "Monny" justifiably deserves a round of applause from the 57,000+ attendees, the intelligent fan base in the Bronx was actually cheering for the injury that just happened to everyone's favorite Yankee to hate, Kyle Farnsworth. While his ERA is a tolerable 4.24, Farny has replaced Joba Chamberlain as the Yankees' setup man and bridge to future HOF closer Mariano Rivera. He is no Joba Chamberlain, or Tom Gordon, or Paul Quantrill or Mike Stanton even. He probably has better "stuff" than all the guys with the exception of Joba, but it has always been a mental thing with Farny. His fastball has great velocity and strong movement but he always seems to surrender big home run and the worst possible times and the Yankee fan base is never afraid to let him know how they feel. Case in point yesterday afternoon, as the crowd roared after Farnsworth was hurt trying to stop a ground ball with his bare hand, an honest, natural reaction but one that pitchers are always told never to do. It has been reported that Kyle cut the webbing in between his pinky and ring finger and it is not yet known how long the Wichita, Kansas native will be out. One thing manager Joe Girardi does know and that's the fact he needs to send someone out in the 8th inning of a close game that he has supreme confidence in. Is that man Kyle Farnsworth? Perhaps. The fans will certainly say no, and former manager Joe Torre would probably agree with those fans. Can young relievers Edwar Ramirez, Ross Ohlendorf and Jose Veras be groomed for these duties? These are all good questions the Bombers will need to hammer out answers to over the next few months but until that decision is made, it's time for the bats to get hot and get some run support for the thin crop of pitchers on this year's roster.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Blue Jays Fire Gibbons, Name Art Shell New Manager

Get In My Belly! Schill Shelved for the Season

It has been a rough week for American League East pitchers as Anchorage, Alaska native Curt Schilling joins Chien-Ming Wang on the "Oh Crap He's Done for a While" list. At 41 years of age, the big chunky right hander may be getting dangerously close to the end of the road. Interviewed this morning on WEEI-AM (some crappy Boston radio station, I presume), Schill announced that he is slated for season-ending shoulder surgery on Monday and after 20 seasons in the major leagues and no contract for the 2009 season, this has all the indications that Curt intends to hang up his cleats at season's end. lists Schilling at 6'5" 225 lbs, a similar falsification to David Wells' listed height and weight. While he tips the scales at nearly three bills, Schill justifies the 225 number because that was his weight at his high school graduation. "The Big Unit (seen LEFT, about to lock lips with Schilling) has a big crush on me so I must be a real fox! When we were together in Arizona his beautiful flowing mullet and mustache combo was irresistible!" When asked what he intends to do with his fat ass once his career is over Schill pointed to his passion for World War II memorabilia and his love for barbecuing. "Basically, if I can wear camo and roll around the ground while grilling kobe beef steaks and chatting about how great John McCain is, I'd be a real happy bastard."

Thursday, June 19, 2008

A-Rod Gets Tips Frosted, Then Learns How to Play Guitar

[Insert 'I miss Bernie Williams' quote here]

Sports Hair of the Week

Queue up the Shaft music because here comes the man, the myth, the legend, the one and only Oscar Gamble! The greatest 'fro is sports history takes home the honorary RV99 Sports Hair of the Week Award for his annual contributions at Yankees Old Timer's Day and more importantly, simply for being awesome. Properly nicknamed "The Big O" by Yankee legend Phil Rizzuto, Gamble paraded around the bases for 17 seasons from 1969-1985, a career that spanned three decades in the big leagues with seven different ball clubs - the Chicago White Sox and New York Yankees on two separate occasions, as well as the Chicago Cubs, Philadelphia Phillies, Cleveland Indians, San Diego Padres, and Texas Rangers. Gamble, whose hitting prowess was overshadowed by his famously large Afro hair, has the distinction of logging the last hit and RBI at Philadelphia's Connie Mack Stadium on October 1, 1970. His 10th-inning single gave the Phillies the 2-1 win in the stadium's final game. Gamble also finished an impressive career with more career walks (610) than strikeouts (546). For all the reasons stated above, Oscar Charles Gamble will always remain in the hearts of New York baseball fans and hopefully one day will proudly display his Hair of the Week prestigious award on his freshly waxed mantle.

Ode to the Yankee Stadium Hot Dog

Following the single greatest hot dog of my Yankee Stadium career last night (hell how can I lie...I had 2!), let's look back on the some of the great hot dog moments from the House That Ruth Built:

The Return of.......Big Fat Sid to the Bronx, Even He Can't Believe it

Sick move, Cashman!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Classless Mets Dump Willie at 3:12am Following Third Win in Four Games

Now former Mets Manager Willie Randolph can breathe a sigh of relief that he has been put out of his misery. A man on the hot seat since the infamous Collapse of 2007, Randolph's job security has waned down with each loss and recently with each multi-game losing streak. It got so bad that the other day it was rumored that Willie was speaking with team management encouraging them to promote someone from his staff once he was inevitably dismissed. While they took Willie's advice and promoted Bench Coach Jerry Manuel to Interim Manager, it was a disgusting way in which to fire a manager who came only one out away from bringing his team to the World Series just two seasons ago when Cardinals' light-hitting catcher Yadier [name that] Molina blasted a game-winning home run to send the Mets packed for the winter. Randolph has always been the fall-guy with Mets management and even with their fans. A Yankee at heart, Willie has struggled with some managerial decisions since moving over to the National League and leading the Metropolitans. Most notably, the double switch has always been a true quagmire to the mustachial Randolph. However, the way in which the Mets told Willie to take a hike will never be forgotten by baseball fans and New Yorkers alike. The franchise let their lame duck manager make the cross-country flight to Anaheim, where he managed the team to a 9-6 victory on Monday night against the Angels. Following the game, Randolph met with members of the media and answered questions. He discussed the encouraging victory and how the team needs to creep its way back to the .500 to compete with the Phillies and the rest of the NL East. When he returned to the team hotel, General Manager Omar Minaya was waiting with an axe. Pitching coach Rick Pederson and first base coach Tom Nieto were also let go and replaced by coaches promoted from the Mets' farm system. Players were in shock as displayed by backup catcher Ramon Castro's quote in the team's hotel lobby: "I'm in shock. I don't know what to say." Minaya is scheduled to speak at a 2pm press conference today at Angel Stadium where he will announce the promotion of Manuel. In the 3 1/2 years as Mets manager, Randolph returned the team to contention and helped mentor young players like David Wright and Jose Reyes while grooming them into major league talents. Willie didn't deserve to go out like this and the Mets do deserve what's coming to them - a roster of elderly, over-paid, under-performing scrubs who aren't even worth the price of a soggy stale hot dog at the crappiest ballpark in baseball. Randolph had already been selected by NL All-Star Game Manager Clint Hurdle to join his staff at Yankee Stadium next month and I hope he shows up in pinstripes to receive a Lou Gehrig-esque response from the appreciative and knowledgeable Yankee Stadium crowd as there is always a spot on Joe Girardi's staff for an excellent baseball mind like Willie Randolph.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

RV99 Exclusive: Stephon Marbury Spotted on Bleecker & Broadway With Mr. Softee

Pepto, Please! Fenway Park Concessions Fail City Health Inspections

Yuck! The concessions at Fenway Park are looking eerily similar to the performance of the Red Sox from 1919-2003. This week, the New York Times released a study of best and worst food options at many MLB stadiums across the country and the Fenway hot dogs were clearly listed in the DO NOT EAT category. While the poor concessions rating was a disappointment for Massholes worldwide, this new information just released has got to make New Englanders' stomachs quiver. Fenway Park's food stands, operated by Aramark, "flunked city health inspections on more than a dozen health and safety measurements on Red Sox opening day April 8, from storing food at unsafe temperatures to failing to clean food preparation counters," according to a front-page piece by John Drake of the BOSTON GLOBE. Violations were "significant enough to pose a risk of food poisoning for patrons, even though they had virtually the same set of problems in an examination more than a week earlier and demanded corrective action." Bottom line is if you have been avoiding the food at Fenway, keep doing so!

Jose Can You See? Papi Officially Becomes US Citizen

Red Sox slugger and Dominican Republic national hero David Ortiz yesterday officially became a United States citizen at the John F. Kennedy Library in Dorchester, MA. In a ceremony that included 227 immigrants, Ortiz raised his right hand and took the Oath of Citizenship. Big Papi has a lot of free time on his hands these days as he collects his hefty paycheck while healing his left wrist on the 15-day disabled list. When pressed by reporters, Ortiz did not discuss the finer points of citizenship. He did not endorse a presidential candidate or give an indication for whom he would be casting his ballot."My whole family, kids, and everyone have been born here," Ortiz said. "It's a great country, proud to be here, now proud to be a part of it." Ortiz's hot wife, Tiffany (pictured right), added: "It's a big deal for him. It's really important and I'm really proud of him." (RV99 Comment: What an overly exciting quote!) John Shattuck, CEO of the John F. Kennedy Library Foundation, recognized Ortiz at the start of the ceremony, saying that the slugger had "done more than almost anyone to help the people of Boston and the nation far beyond to realize our hopes and dreams and opportunities by what he does and who he is, especially when he steps up to the plate at Fenway." The BoSox hope this ceremony will improve Papi's 2008 performance, which has been well below par for the big fella who is currently batting .252 with 13 home runs and 43 RBI.

RV99 Anna Benson Photo of the Day

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Sports Hair of the Week

A recent runner-up for RV99 Mustache of the Month, Los Angeles Lakers Owner Dr. Gerald Hatten "Jerry" Buss takes home the prestigious honor of Sports Hair of the Week. With his franchise down 2-0 to the Boston Celtics in the NBA Finals, Buss needs a big game at home tonight from Kobe and the Lake Show to cut the series deficit in half. With a similar hair style to that of Donald Trump, Buss goes with the "comb-over look" along with a solid dye-job. Is the 'stache doctored-up as well (no pun intended)?!? Perhaps so...

Raised in the coal mining region of Kemmerer, Wyoming, Buss worked his way through the University of Wyoming, graduating with a B.S. degree in two and a half years in 1953. He then moved to Los Angeles and attended the University of Southern California, where he earned a M.S. and Ph.D. in physical chemistry by age 24. Buss also delved into real estate investment and after much success he pursued real estate full time. Buss first forayed into sports ownership during the 1970s, becoming an owner at various times for a variety of teams in the ill-fated first incarnation of World Team Tennis. However, he is most known for being the owner of the Los Angeles Lakers of the NBA. He purchased the team, along with the Los Angeles Kings hockey team of the NHL, The Forum, and a large ranch from Jack Kent Cooke in 1979. The purchase price, $67.5 million, made it the largest transaction in sports history at that time. Daughter Jeannie Buss (seen right) is also involved in the family business, serving as VP of Business Operations for the Lakers as well as being the high-profile romantic partner of Lakers Head Coch Phil Jackson. This photo of Jeannie was taken for a photo shoot for Playboy.

On May 29, 2007, Buss was issued a DUI citation after two California Highway Patrol officers saw him driving his gold Mercedes-Benz with a 23 year-old woman on the wrong side of the road in the coastal community of Carlsbad. After failing a field sobriety test, Buss was taken into custody, given a blood test and booked on suspicion of driving while intoxicated with a blood-alcohol level over 0.08. "Although I was driving only a short distance, it was a bad decision and I was wrong to do it," Buss said in a statement. "It was a mistake I will not make again."

Vienna Brewery Offers 'Free Beer for Life' to First Austrian Goal Scorer

In order to spice things up in futbol, Ottakringer Brauerei AG, a Vienna brewery, is promising a lifelong supply of free beer to any Austria player who scores a goal for the co-hosts in their remaining Euro 2008 group matches against Poland and Germany. Ranked 92nd in the world, Austria is competing in the finals of the tournament for the first time. They had a disappointing start with a 1-0 defeat against Croatia on Sunday and will take on Poland in Vienna on Thursday before completing their Group B fixtures against Germany at the same venue on Monday. The brewery obviously has no confidence in the team's offensive prowess and hopes no goals are actually scored!

Brooklyn Man Attacks Lovable Mr. Met

At a recent Mets game, a drunken fan manhandled the Amazin's smiling, giant-baseball-headed mascot and also allegedly knocked down kids and took a swing at a security guard. Christian Hansen of Gowanus, Brooklyn, was seen "harassing Mr. Met and pushing little children out of the way" at Shea Stadium. As security guards escorted out the Mr. Met-basher, Hansen took a wild swing at an employee and spit in his face. Cops arrested Hansen, 32, and charged him with criminal trespass, disorderly conduct and harassment. Mr. Met was uninjured during the fracas and received an IV from an EMT crew to make sure his energy was back to where it needs to be in order to frolic around Shea like a true fruitcake.

Griffey to Media: Credit Goes to 'Dubya' for 600th HR

With Temperatures Nearing 100, Yankee Fans Cheer Passing Cloud

In the 94 degree heat yesterday afternoon, 53,633 insane Yankee fans came out to the stadium to see the rubber match of the team's series with the Kansas City Royals. Unfortunately the fans had little to celebrate as the nearly fail-proof Mariano Rivera surrendered a go-ahead solo home run in the top of the 9th to Jose Guillen giving the Royals a 3-2 victory and a 2-2 split in the four game series. While the Yanks have been hot of late, temperatures in the northeast have catapulted well into the 90s and some cities are recording some of early June's hottest days in history. In the 7th inning yesterday, as a cloud passed in front of the sun, there was a roar of cheers from the crowd, ecstatic about a short break from sweating in every possible place!

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

BREAKING NEWS: Big Brown Found Frolicking at Jones Beach

Just days before Big Brown goes for triple crown glory at the Belmont Stakes, another form of Big Brown is discovered nearby the racetrack at Jones Beach.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Yanks Designate Ensberg for Assignment, Acknowledge Terrible Signing

Prior to Sunday's game in Minnesota, the Yankees made a roster move to bolster their tired bullpen by recalling Scott Patterson from AAA Wilkes-Barre. In order to make this move official, Morgan Ensberg (seen left, looking as unathletic as humanly possible!) was designated for assignment. In recent days, Ensberg's opportunities had grown extremely scarce. He hit .203 (15-for-74) with one home run and four RBIs in 28 games, and he had not appeared in a game since May 25 vs. Seattle. Ensberg's last start came on May 15 in St. Petersburg. "We thought coming out of Spring Training that we'd get a lot out of him," Girardi said. "I know his at-bats were not every day, and he's been used to being an everyday player. He brought a great attitude to the park every day and worked his rear end off. But when it came down to it, the guy had no athletic ability, couldn't hit and played a mediocre third base. Honestly, I have no idea why Cash [Yankees GM Brian Cashman] even signed this bum, he is horse manure! Good riddens, Morgie!"

Sports Mustache of the Month

Last month it was the gold thong and now comes the emergence of the wonderous mustache! After a brually slow start to the 2008 season, Yankees first baseman Jason Giambi knew a change was in order. Mired in a season-long slump, Giambi saw his average dip below the interstate and his power numbers were less than impressive as well. Injuries to players like Alex Rodriguez and Jorge Posada only increased the pressure on Giambi to hit the ball but his struggles continued. After putting on the gold thong, Jason started feeling locked in once again at the plate. However, an everyday player cannot be expected to run around every day wearing a banana hammock. Giambi is a superstitious player and decided to grow a long, lustrous mustache to keep his hitting successes on a roll. In previous seasons, Giambi has sported the 'stache as a slump-buster and last year grew it to honor the former Yankee captain and mustachial pheneomenon Donny Baseball. This year's 'stache has excited his teammates to such an extent that Johnny Damon, Joba Chamberlain and Shelley Duncan are growing little fuzzy friends of their own! We'll see how long the mustache growing lasts but through this exercise it is very apparent that mustaches are cool and do not mess with The Giambino.