Saturday, March 22, 2008

Strangest (and Most Horrifying) Injury of the Year

The Associated Press has reported that Houston Astros 2B Kazuo Matsui has undergone surgery to repair an "anal fissure" but the team hopes to keep their newly acquired speedster off the disabled list. When asked about Matsui, Rockies Manager Clint Hurdle told the AP that team doctors have recommended Matsui have his anus sewn closed and Matsui is heavily considering doing so and limiting his diet to corn and Frosted Flakes. He has also been instructed that in lieu of toilet paper, he must use household duster pads to wipe for 12-16 weeks.When consulting Wikipedia, the following definition was provided:

ANAL FISSURE: An unnatural crack or tear in the anus skin. As a fissure, these tiny tears may show as bright red rectal bleeding and cause severe periodic pain after defecation.[1] The tear usually extends from the anal opening and located posteriorly in the midline. This location is probably because of the relatively unsupported nature of the anal wall in that location.

Yikes! Hopefully doctors have prescribed a healthy mix of painkillers and Colt 45 for Kaz because it sounds like a painful recovery. Phone calls in to Steve Phillips, Omar Minaya, Bobby Valentine, Willie Randolph, Jim Duquette and the entire New York Mets organization were not returned. It is fairly clear the Mets resent Matsui deeply for his poor performance in New York and quick turnaround into a decent ballplayer the moment he left the Big Apple. Unfortunately with his anal condition, Matsui won't be eating big apples anytime soon.

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