Pedroia Family Reels in MVP Trophy, Child Molestation Charges

This winter while Red Sox young second baseman Dustin Pedroia was celebrating improvements in his golf game after being ousted in the MLB Playoffs and also taking home the American League MVP Award, his older brother Brett was dealing with some issues of his own involving young adolescent boys and touching and kissing their wee-wee's. Woodland, California police say that 30-year-old Brett Pedroia was booked at the Yolo County jail Jan. 9 on two counts of oral copulation and lewd acts with a child under age 14. Both of these charges are felonies. He was released on $50,000 bail and a court hearing was set for Feb. 4. The crimes allegedly took place four years ago when the boy was just 8 years old, but the alleged victim only recently told one of his parents, who contacted authorities. Pedroia’s family owns a tire business in Woodland, a city of 53,000 people about 20 miles north of Sacramento. The defendant “may have worked for the family business.” Reportedly, Dustin Pedroia, 25, and his brother are not close and have not spoken in recent years and all of us here at RV99 would hope that once Dusty Pants has his first child, he keeps it as far away as humanly possible from his sick and perverted brother!

Grizzlies Fire Iavaroni, Name His Replacement

In a shocking twist of events, Memphis Grizzlies have fired Head Coach Mike Iavaroni after a season and a half of constant losing and replaced him with Borat Sagdiyev, a Kazakhstani immigrant with absolutely no experience playing or coaching the game of basketball. After the Grizz attempted to lure lip-smacking babbling former coach Avery Johnson from the ESPN booth and the little sucker declined, management decided to go in a different direction. When contacted by the Associated Press, Grizzlies Owner Michael Heisley stated, "In an ever-changing international game, we were looking to bring aboard a coach with a different cultural background, even if he is not familiar with how to properly use an American toilet." This is the first known hiring of a coach in professional sports who admittedly does not even know the rules of the sport but Mr. U,S and A is ready to meet the challenge head-on. Said Borat, "Coach wear a suit...Borat wear suit. Coach have sexy time with ladies...Borat make sweet sexy love to prostitutes. Coach tell players to do good...Borat will do very good! Very niiiiiiice! You will love my sister! Chin qui!"

ESPN Having Language Issues

Henderson, Rice Elected to Cooperstown

Today it was announced that the Baseball Writers' Association of America have elected Rickey Henderson and Jim Rice (in his 15th and final season of eligibility) to the Baseball Hall of Fame Class of 2009. Henderson was the most prolific leadoff hitter of all time while Rice was simply a solid player for only 10 seasons (RV99 is really just bitter about a Red Sox player gaining entrance to Cooperstown). Some other notable stats from this year's voting: Andre "The Hawk" Dawson received 361 votes (67% of the needed 75% for election), Mark McGwire actually received less votes than last year, netting 118 votes (21.9%), Yankee Captain and fan favorite Don Mattingly received 64 votes (11.9%), and old-timer extraordinaire and long-time hurler Jesse "The Body" Orosco received a single vote (0.2%)! It has not yet been determined which writer voted for Orosco or the quality of crack he was smoking while placing this vote, but either way seeing Orosco's name on the ballot provided several minutes of laughs and constant reminders of all those old man jokes made while the hefty lefty pitched deep into his 40s for at least half the teams in the majors! If I had to guess as to which writer placed his vote for 'ol Jesse, my money is definitely on Buster Olney, who looks like he could swallow at least 2 bottles of Johnny Walker Black Label and stumble onto his computer to make this ridiculous vote. Leave it to a former Vermont dairy farmer to make this absurd selection, thanks Buster!

Eli Looks Like Little Boy As Eagles Pick Apart Struggling Giants Offense

Happy New Year From Eddy Curry, a Beefy Burger and 2 Tasty Milkshakes!

Ricky Vaughan is back for an exciting year in '09! Keep an eye out for more ridiculous and zany articles in the new year.

Deceased Trainer Cus D'Amato Discovered in Mike Tyson's Belly

Show Me the Manny [in New York?]

This Image Never Gets Old

RV99 Quote of the Day

"I am really happy to be back in Calgary, I love Canada. I just want to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don't know what that's about. Enjoy the game tonight."

-- WHAT A GUY!

NRA Proudly Welcomes Newest Member

This morning Charlton Heston, Sarah Palin, Dick Cheney and other very liberal high-ranking members of the NRA welcomed in their newest member, Mr. Plaxico Burress of the New York Football Giants (soon to be of the California Penal League). While Burress prefers the use of his handy .40-caliber Glock 9 weapon while attending church functions, leisurely strolls and games of backgammon at home, he is well-known for his love of rifles while hanging out with his homeboys in Michigan near his alma mater, Michigan State. "Yo son, I ain't a Spartan for nut'n," Burress intelligently explained to ESPN Senior Writer John Clayton. While initial reports stated that Mr. Clayton was with spotted with the Burress crew at the Latin Quarters on Saturday evening popping bottles of Cristal while scooping up honeys and singing along to his favorite Lil' Wayne beats, Clayton insists he was at home in Seattle "gettin' jiggy wit it." While most NRA members enjoy shooting at mail boxes and anyone who is not Caucasian, Burress was still welcomed with open arms and honored for his shooting prowess. Said Heston, "Any individual who is capable of shooting himself in the thigh by accident should be proudly recognized as an NRA member for life." If convinced, Burress faces a minimum of 3 1/2 years in prison and as much as 15 years if he finds himself facing a difficult judge such as Art Vandelay of Waltham, MA. Reached by the Associated Press by phone prior to turning himself into authorities on Monday, Plaxico made the following statement: "I is innocent, ya know what I'm saying. It be false accasation with this whole thing with the glock, I ain't never even use one of them guns. I just want to thank the lord Jesus Christ for giving me the strength to play football at such a high level. I hope that Mayor Mr. Bloomberg eats his words because I be playing in de super bowl again dis year. I just wanna send a shout out to my girl Shaqueepha, my moms, my boy lil' Ray Ray, and all the folks over at the Popeye's on Atlantic Ave. in Brooklyn. Yo son, we be eatin' mad biscuits after this one, Plax is gonna win this case. Peace!" And so it stands, Plaxico Burress...college graduate, Pro Bowl Wide Receiver, Super Bowl Champion, loving father and devout Christian puts his stamp on life, the streets, thug life and the NRA. Now the fate of this kind gentleman rests with the legal system in the wonderful state of New York.

Interesting Ailment for Vincent Jackson

According to Yahoo Sports, San Diego Chargers Wide Receiver Vincent Jackson has been afflicted by the ailment of "dropitis." Hopefully this injury is not serious enough for a visit to Dr. James Andrews of Birmingham, Alabama!

Starting 11 of Ridiculous Names in Football

1. BenJarvus Green-Ellis (RB - New England Patriots)
2. Marshawn Lynch (RB - Buffalo Bills)
3. LenDale White (RB - Tennessee Titans)
4. Craphonso Thorpe (WR - Kansas City Chiefs
5. Plaxico Burress (WR - New York Giants)
6. Devery Henderson (WR - New Orleans Saints)
7. Braylon Edwards (WR - Cleveland Browns)
8. DeSean Jackson (WR - Philadelphia Eagles)
9. Visanthe Shiancoe (TE - Minnesota Vikings)
10. Ladell Betts (RB - Washington Redskins)
11. D'Qwell Jackson (LB - Cleveland Browns)

Knicks Tickets! Get your Knicks Tickets Here!

In another sad move for New York Knicks fans, supporters and members of the organization, tickets are now available at your local Costco...that's right, Costco! Marc Berman of the NY Post wrote in today's paper how the Knicks are exploring new avenues of revenue in this tough economy and for the first time in known history, have established a partnership with Costco to sell packages of 2 tickets to customers at a rate of 40% off for 300-level nose bleed seats. $70 gets you 2 seats upstairs for any game except for the good one's against Boston, Denver, Cleveland, Golden State, etc, etc, etc. If anyone is looking for mediocre seats to watch the mediocre Knicks play any of the other mediocre teams in the NBA, get your Costco membership started NOW!

RV99 Weekly Celebrity Sighting (with her dog, Licorice)

Jets Knock Off Pats, Take Firm Control of First Place in AFC East as Mangini Teaches The Art of Hugging

Starting Lineup of Ridiculous Names in Sports

Point Guard - Knowshon Moreno
Shooting Guard - JaMarcus Russell
Center - D'Brickashaw Ferguson
Power Forward - LaMarcus Aldredge
Small Forward - Jamario Moon
6th Man - DeMarcus Ware

Let's add all of these names to the 2009 Book of Baby Names! I plan to name my first born Knowshon Vaughan, it's got a nice ring to it!

Knicks Winning Games, Losing at Marketing...

I bet that "Denver Pistons" game is really selling out fast!

Rangers Keep Winning Despite Young Fan Base

The 11-4 first place Rangers are putting together a very impressive start to the 2008-09 season which began in Prague by beating the crap out of the lowly Tampa Bay Lightning. Last night the 'Ning had their shot at revenge but it was clear who the better hockey team was (not them). Rangers captain Chris Drury had his second career hat trick and first as a Ranger while Henrik Lundqvist impressed yet again with 36 big saves against Barry Melrose and his mulletuous team. While the Rangers keep rolling, ticket prices at MSG have skyrocketed. With the recent woes on Wall St. the corporate boxes have become available for purchase to the Rangers fan base. As shown in the background in the photo above following Ryan Callahan's first period goal last night, little kiddies are buying up all the extra primo seats for the remainder of the season. Asked where he got the funds to purchase the $312 face value front row seat, little Joey LaFemina (shown right in white Rangers road jersey) had a laundry list of chores he has been brushing up on lately which included pickpocketing tourists in midtown, money laundering and my personal favorite pimping himself out to the local elementary school girls. "It's mostly the Asian chicks and the fat slobs who need my lovin'," young Joey so eloquently explained. So there you have it, in a tough time for America's economy, young children are stealing and pimpin' in order to see their favorite hockey team win games. Is this morally ethical one might ask? Probably not, but if little Joey can stay out of the California Penal League I say keep doing what you're doing, Joey!

Friday Name Game

Who will have the most success on Sunday?

a) New Detroit Lions QB Daunte Culpepper
b) Jacksonville Radio Personality and Barbecue aficionado Cole Pepper
c) Crisp vegetable Green Pepper

Send your votes in now!

Jackson Plays Flowbee-like Defense

It SUCKS while it cuts (off Carmelo's braids!). Talk about a great 'stache on this guy!

Knicks Win in Season Opener / Q-Tip Concert / Soprano's Reunion

Daly Arrested Following Hooterrific Night

It has been known for years that John Daly loves booze, cigarettes and strip clubs. Now we all know he's a fan of Hooters as well, as shown this weekend by his antics at a Winston-Salem, NC Hooters restaurant. The portly golfer got so hammered on Saturday night that he blacked out at 1am and paramedics were called to the scene. Daly refused to go to the hospital with paramedics so as Hooters closed, the police were called in to take Daly to jail while the fat slob sobered up. This is a prime example of a Role Model my friends, we all have a lot to learn from this wonderful and respectable human being!

Knicks Unveil Unrivaled Opening Night Promotion

So Long, Dirty Player

First Tom Brady...then Laurence Maroney...now Rodney Harrison. As the stars of the New England Patriots slowly fall down, has anyone stopped to think maybe these guys got what they deserved? Brady is a cocky S.O.B. and everybody knows that. Maroney gets a pass here since he is young and has no super bowl rings. While Brady is my most hated athlete in sports, Harrison is a close second. Does anyone remember he was suspended last season for using HGH? For some strange reason, Rodney seemed to get a pass when it came to his use of illegal performance-enhancing substances. While the entire universe looked down upon all the baseball players mentioned in the Mitchell Report, everyone failed to notice that Harrison was abusing these substances just as much if not more than the next guy. The human body tends to break down following years of steroid and HGH use and this is exactly what happened to Rodney. The Boston Globe and other media outlets are reporting today that the torn quad suffered on Monday night has ended his season and "for all intents and purposes" his career as well. No tears being shed today by RV99 for the self-proclaimed dirtiest player in football. Harrison is not a first ballot hall of famer, he is not a pro bowler anymore and he is far from a class act. I hope the man disappears out of the game and we never hear from him again. Good riddens, dirty player!