Pedroia Family Reels in MVP Trophy, Child Molestation Charges

This winter while Red Sox young second baseman Dustin Pedroia was celebrating improvements in his golf game after being ousted in the MLB Playoffs and also taking home the American League MVP Award, his older brother Brett was dealing with some issues of his own involving young adolescent boys and touching and kissing their wee-wee's. Woodland, California police say that 30-year-old Brett Pedroia was booked at the Yolo County jail Jan. 9 on two counts of oral copulation and lewd acts with a child under age 14. Both of these charges are felonies. He was released on $50,000 bail and a court hearing was set for Feb. 4. The crimes allegedly took place four years ago when the boy was just 8 years old, but the alleged victim only recently told one of his parents, who contacted authorities. Pedroia’s family owns a tire business in Woodland, a city of 53,000 people about 20 miles north of Sacramento. The defendant “may have worked for the family business.” Reportedly, Dustin Pedroia, 25, and his brother are not close and have not spoken in recent years and all of us here at RV99 would hope that once Dusty Pants has his first child, he keeps it as far away as humanly possible from his sick and perverted brother!

Get In My Belly! Schill Shelved for the Season

It has been a rough week for American League East pitchers as Anchorage, Alaska native Curt Schilling joins Chien-Ming Wang on the "Oh Crap He's Done for a While" list. At 41 years of age, the big chunky right hander may be getting dangerously close to the end of the road. Interviewed this morning on WEEI-AM (some crappy Boston radio station, I presume), Schill announced that he is slated for season-ending shoulder surgery on Monday and after 20 seasons in the major leagues and no contract for the 2009 season, this has all the indications that Curt intends to hang up his cleats at season's end. ESPN.com lists Schilling at 6'5" 225 lbs, a similar falsification to David Wells' listed height and weight. While he tips the scales at nearly three bills, Schill justifies the 225 number because that was his weight at his high school graduation. "The Big Unit (seen LEFT, about to lock lips with Schilling) has a big crush on me so I must be a real fox! When we were together in Arizona his beautiful flowing mullet and mustache combo was irresistible!" When asked what he intends to do with his fat ass once his career is over Schill pointed to his passion for World War II memorabilia and his love for barbecuing. "Basically, if I can wear camo and roll around the ground while grilling kobe beef steaks and chatting about how great John McCain is, I'd be a real happy bastard."

Pepto, Please! Fenway Park Concessions Fail City Health Inspections

Yuck! The concessions at Fenway Park are looking eerily similar to the performance of the Red Sox from 1919-2003. This week, the New York Times released a study of best and worst food options at many MLB stadiums across the country and the Fenway hot dogs were clearly listed in the DO NOT EAT category. While the poor concessions rating was a disappointment for Massholes worldwide, this new information just released has got to make New Englanders' stomachs quiver. Fenway Park's food stands, operated by Aramark, "flunked city health inspections on more than a dozen health and safety measurements on Red Sox opening day April 8, from storing food at unsafe temperatures to failing to clean food preparation counters," according to a front-page piece by John Drake of the BOSTON GLOBE. Violations were "significant enough to pose a risk of food poisoning for patrons, even though they had virtually the same set of problems in an examination more than a week earlier and demanded corrective action." Bottom line is if you have been avoiding the food at Fenway, keep doing so!

Jose Can You See? Papi Officially Becomes US Citizen

Red Sox slugger and Dominican Republic national hero David Ortiz yesterday officially became a United States citizen at the John F. Kennedy Library in Dorchester, MA. In a ceremony that included 227 immigrants, Ortiz raised his right hand and took the Oath of Citizenship. Big Papi has a lot of free time on his hands these days as he collects his hefty paycheck while healing his left wrist on the 15-day disabled list. When pressed by reporters, Ortiz did not discuss the finer points of citizenship. He did not endorse a presidential candidate or give an indication for whom he would be casting his ballot."My whole family, kids, and everyone have been born here," Ortiz said. "It's a great country, proud to be here, now proud to be a part of it." Ortiz's hot wife, Tiffany (pictured right), added: "It's a big deal for him. It's really important and I'm really proud of him." (RV99 Comment: What an overly exciting quote!) John Shattuck, CEO of the John F. Kennedy Library Foundation, recognized Ortiz at the start of the ceremony, saying that the slugger had "done more than almost anyone to help the people of Boston and the nation far beyond to realize our hopes and dreams and opportunities by what he does and who he is, especially when he steps up to the plate at Fenway." The BoSox hope this ceremony will improve Papi's 2008 performance, which has been well below par for the big fella who is currently batting .252 with 13 home runs and 43 RBI.

Roll Out Those Bids, Auction for Sushi Dinner With Dice-K Officially Open

...Eggroll please...and the winner, with a high bid of $729,029.00 iiiiiis..........KEI IGAWA!! Congratulations, Kei!Who doesn't want to just chuck a brick at the heads of these two D-bags?!?

Dicey Times Call for Dicey Measures

After throwing two warmup pitches before the 5th inning last night, Red Sox pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka removed himself from the game because of shoulder tightness. The Japanese pitcher was 8-0 in his second season in the big leagues, enjoying much success against the American League hitters so far in the young season. When the team trainer came out to have a looksee, Dice-K immediately called for his interpreter, who came sprinting out of the dugout towards the mound. Apparently, a pointing motion towards the shoulder region was not considered by Matsuzaka, as his interpreter went back and forth with him and the trainer about the injury. Have Red Sox fans considered the possibility that their $100 million dollar pitcher may be mentally retarded or just plain dumb at a minimum?!? It doesn't take an English speaking rocket scientist to shake his head and point to his shoulder and Dice-K will never learn the language if he keeps relying on his interpreter to wipe his ass at every uncomfortable moment in life!

Let the Rivalry Begin: 2008 Edition

MLB Unveils 'Jersey TV'

Prior to yesterday's home opener for the Boston Red Sox against the winless Detroit Tigers, Boston World Series goat Bill Buckner was on hand to throw out the ceremonial first pitch. Initially this was planned as a forgiveness session between Buckner and the Sox fans for his brutal error in Game 6 of the 1986 World Series allowing Mookie Wilson's dribbler up the first base line go through his legs and win the game and eventually the series for New York's second best baseball team. However, Major League Baseball felt this would be a perfect time to unveil their latest technological advance - the Jersey Television. Through a partnership with Samsung, MLB will be installing 13-inch LCD flat screen TVs onto players' uniforms just below the letters on the jersey. The forgiveness turned into yet another crying convention for Buckner, who was forced to view highlights from his bone-headed error on his jersey to the tune of booing Bostonians before throwing out the first pitch. The photo above shows Buckner unsuccessfully attempting to shoot "snot rockets" out of his nose at the Jersey TV while crying like a baby.

Red Sox Can't Win 'em All

For the third consecutive year, Major League Baseball opened its regular season with a 2-game series at the Tokyo Dome in Japan. The Oakland Athletics and Boston Red Sox played to a split, just as the Mets and Cubs did last season and the Yankees and Devil Rays did the year before. A's LF Emil Brown made up for his huge baserunning blunder in extra innings of the first game, hitting a 3-run home run in Game 2 that prepelled the A's to a 5-1 victory behind a very strong 6 inning, 9 strikeout pitching performance from oft-injured hurler Rich Harden. Red Sox DH David Ortiz went 0-7 in the series and Boston is rumored to be considering a trade with the Yankees sending Ortiz and CF Jacoby Ellsbury to New York in exchange for Carl Pavano and the wax inside Jason Giambi's ears.

Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein had this to say after today's loss: "While Ortiz has the potential to hit 60 home runs in a season and provide great clubhouse leadership, Pavano and the ear wax may be too hard to pass up. I mean, Carl is a bona fide 10-injury-a-year guy and right now, with injuries to Beckett and Schilling, we need to remain consistent. We are also thinking about signing retired pitcher Tommy John as well as watching the waiver wire on a hourly basis to see what the Rockies are going to do with Marcus Giles."