Rangers Slide into the Playoffs on King Henrik's Swedish Meatballs

With last night's 2-1 victory, the New York Rangers clinched a playoff birth thanks to a season of meager offensive performance and incredible goaltending by Henrik Lundqvist. Nikolai Zherdev leads the team with an embarassing 23 goals for an offense that has been sputtering since the early goings of the 2008-09 season. Lundqvist, on the other hand, has stymied opposing teams with his 2.42 GAA and .916 SV% this season, making countless big saves as his did last night late in the game on a shot by the hated Philadelphia Flyers. The Rangers currently sit in the #7 spot in the Eastern Conference with one game remaining and could face either the #2 seed in the Washington Capitals or the #1 seed Boston Bruins depending on what happens on Sunday in Philadelphia. The Blueshirts control their own destiny with a tiebreaker in wins over the Montreal Canadiens while both teams have 93 points. There must be something in those Swedish Meatballs!

BREAKING NEWS: Brashear Adds Fighting, Hockey to List of Things He Sucks At

RV99 Quote of the Day

"I am really happy to be back in Calgary, I love Canada. I just want to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don't know what that's about. Enjoy the game tonight."

-- WHAT A GUY!

Rangers Keep Winning Despite Young Fan Base

The 11-4 first place Rangers are putting together a very impressive start to the 2008-09 season which began in Prague by beating the crap out of the lowly Tampa Bay Lightning. Last night the 'Ning had their shot at revenge but it was clear who the better hockey team was (not them). Rangers captain Chris Drury had his second career hat trick and first as a Ranger while Henrik Lundqvist impressed yet again with 36 big saves against Barry Melrose and his mulletuous team. While the Rangers keep rolling, ticket prices at MSG have skyrocketed. With the recent woes on Wall St. the corporate boxes have become available for purchase to the Rangers fan base. As shown in the background in the photo above following Ryan Callahan's first period goal last night, little kiddies are buying up all the extra primo seats for the remainder of the season. Asked where he got the funds to purchase the $312 face value front row seat, little Joey LaFemina (shown right in white Rangers road jersey) had a laundry list of chores he has been brushing up on lately which included pickpocketing tourists in midtown, money laundering and my personal favorite pimping himself out to the local elementary school girls. "It's mostly the Asian chicks and the fat slobs who need my lovin'," young Joey so eloquently explained. So there you have it, in a tough time for America's economy, young children are stealing and pimpin' in order to see their favorite hockey team win games. Is this morally ethical one might ask? Probably not, but if little Joey can stay out of the California Penal League I say keep doing what you're doing, Joey!

Sports Hair of the Week

Hockey fans around the globe all wish Jaromir Jagr well as he leaves the National Hockey League behind to pursue a hockey career in Russia with the same franchise where he played three years ago during the NHL lockout. Always one of the games best and most well-known players, Jagr had a very successful career on the East Coast with the Pittsburgh Penguis, Washington Capitals and New York Rangers. While his locks were not as glorious towards the tail end of his career, as a younster J.J. boasted one of the greatest mullets in hockey history. In a sport where the mullet is a common as a 12-letter last name, Jagr's was still that damn impressive. Not only did Jagr's hair have the imperative "business in the front and a party in the back" look, but the flowing curls and very lengthy back truly made this a wonder of mankind. NHL fans will miss the Czech native and the New York Rangers must move on without their captain. Let's all wish Jaromir the best of luck in the future and a giant RV99 shout-out for his mulletuous fortunes over the past two decades.

Siyonara Sean Avery

Today is a sad day for Rangers fans as the team officially bids adieu to the heart and soul of the franchise, the one and only Sean Avery. A fan-favorite and RV99 heart throb, Avery went above and beyond the call of duty in his Rangers tenure as displayed by playing his final game with a ruptured spleen. Today Avery signed a 4 year $15.5 million contract with the Dallas Stars. On behalf of Rangers and Avery fans worldwide, I'd like to congratulate and wish Sean nothing but the best while he looks for dumb, slutty women down in Dallas...should not be very difficult!

Mulletastic! Melrose Returns to the Bench to Coach Lightning

In board rooms in Bristol, CT today ESPN big wigs are shedding tears for the loss of their #1 NHL analyst, the one and only flowing mulletuous Barry Melrose. While Barry is still alive, healthy and kickin', he has decided to leave the all-sports network to become Head Coach of the Tampa Bay Lightning. Melrose began his coaching career in 1987 when he led the Medicine Hat Tigers to the WHL's Memorial Cup Title. He also coached the Seattle Thunderbirds for the 1988-89 season and the Adirondack Red Wings of the American Hockey League for three seasons (1989-92). Melrose guided the Red Wings to the Calder Cup championship in 1991. He also served as the team's general manager during his final two seasons. While he is certainly known for his knowledge of the sport of hockey and impressive coaching resume, EVERYONE and their mother knows about Barry's sweet, precious, beautiful, well-groomed mullet!

Dumb Kid Actually Makes Good Point

Cherry Passes Sager on All-Time 'Outrageous Suits' List, Is Inducted into All Things Awesome Hall of Fame

Crosby's Admission: "I dig old chicks"

Lundqvist Reaches Semifinals...Joel that is

While Henrik and the Rangers fell short on their ultimate goal, twin brother Joel and the Dallas Stars advanced to the Western Conference Finals after defeating the San Jose Sharks 2-1 in 4-OT last night and winning the series 4-2. Go get 'em, Joel!

Avery to Intern at Fashion Magazine VOGUE, Ricky Vaughn 99 Left Speechless

The Legend of the Gump

In last night's game 7 victory for the Montreal Canadiens, rookie goaltender Trevor Pryce broke former Canadien and Ranger goalie legend Gump Worsley's record for shutouts in a playoff series.Pryce's performance was nothing short of impressive, but Gump is the man who is one of the most notable old-school goaliesBorn and raised in Montreal, he was nicknamed Gump because of resembled the comic-strip character Andy Gump. Accused by Rangers' coach Phil Watson of having a beer belly, he replied, "He should know better than that. He knows I only drink scotch." He was also vehemently opposed to wearing a mask. He was in fact the second-to-last goaltender to play without a mask, wearing one only in the last six games of his career. Asked about why he chose to go without he told reporters, "My face is my mask." Gump won four Stanley Cups in '65, '66, '68 and '69 and was inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame in 1980.

BREAKING/UPSETTING NEWS: Barry Melrose Trims Back of Mullet

Brodeur Whines, Cries, Bitches, Moans, Groans, Is a Sore Loser & Eventually Loses. Lundqvist Dazzles as Rangers Advance to Eastern Conferenece Semis.

Bye Bye Cuthbert, Hello Bush?

The New York Post has reported that first daughter Barbara Bush has been spotted at several New York Rangers games this season, most recently at Sunday's night's first round playoff game vs. the Devils. Bush was seen wearing a large ring on her left hand but it is not confirmed that she is engaged. The man sitting with Bush has been linked to some Sean Avery parties in the past, which begs the question: Is Avery sniffing some Bush???

Rangers Defeat Devils, Brodeur in Game One Sans Malik

Rangers Coach Tom Renney announced prior to the game that Defensive Superstar 6'10" Marek Malik would be a healthy scratch. The Blueshirts somehow found a way to win the game without the services of their 2 goal, 8 assist standout. The question still remains: will Malik now release the photos of Renney having sexual intercourse with 7 goats now that he has been officially benched? It has been assumed that Malik has a healthy stash of anti-Renney photo and video footage at home, which has prompted the coach to play the horrible defensive all season to the tune of relentless boos from the MSG faithful.

Stanley Cup Playoffs Clarification

My posting on Monday regarding the Rangers Devils series was a subtle way to include a photo of David Puddy on the blog. In no way did I actually pick the Devils to win the series, but Puddy the facepainter did. You got a question? You ask the 8-ball!

CLARIFICATION: Rangers in 4. Brodeur sucks.

Caps 'Flex' Their Way to #3 Seed

Going into the 2007-08 NHL season, the Washington Capitals were picked again as cellar dwellers of the Eastern Conference. Following a mediocre first half of the season, the Caps locked up Russian sensation Alexander Ovechkin to a multi-year $100-million + contract and traded for Center Sergei Federov (yes, he is still alive) and Goaltender Cristobal Huet (pronounced You-ay and/or You-et). These two moves paid off big time as the Caps ascended to the top of the Southeast Division, leapfroging the Carolina Hurricanes and knocking them out of the playoffs. Ovechkin led the team and the universe in scoring this season with 65 goals and 112 points, but it is Head Coach Bruce Boudreau who is the true leader of this team. Boudreau, who was born without a visible neck, was named Interim Head Coach on November 22, 2007 and later made permanent coach on December 26, 2007. Nothing shows confidence in a coach like taking over a month to decide that you actually want "Boudreau Boudreau Gali" on your bench. The Caps face off against the hated Philadelphia Flyers in Round 1 of the Stanley Cup Playoffs and Beaudreau just hopes that four wins from now he'll be flexing those monstrous guns yet again while his team goes deep into the playoffs.

Experts Pick Devils Over Rangers in Stanley Cup Playoffs Round 1

But my boy Scott Burnside says Rangers in 6.