Rangers Slide into the Playoffs on King Henrik's Swedish Meatballs

With last night's 2-1 victory, the New York Rangers clinched a playoff birth thanks to a season of meager offensive performance and incredible goaltending by Henrik Lundqvist. Nikolai Zherdev leads the team with an embarassing 23 goals for an offense that has been sputtering since the early goings of the 2008-09 season. Lundqvist, on the other hand, has stymied opposing teams with his 2.42 GAA and .916 SV% this season, making countless big saves as his did last night late in the game on a shot by the hated Philadelphia Flyers. The Rangers currently sit in the #7 spot in the Eastern Conference with one game remaining and could face either the #2 seed in the Washington Capitals or the #1 seed Boston Bruins depending on what happens on Sunday in Philadelphia. The Blueshirts control their own destiny with a tiebreaker in wins over the Montreal Canadiens while both teams have 93 points. There must be something in those Swedish Meatballs!

BREAKING NEWS: Brashear Adds Fighting, Hockey to List of Things He Sucks At

Rangers Keep Winning Despite Young Fan Base

The 11-4 first place Rangers are putting together a very impressive start to the 2008-09 season which began in Prague by beating the crap out of the lowly Tampa Bay Lightning. Last night the 'Ning had their shot at revenge but it was clear who the better hockey team was (not them). Rangers captain Chris Drury had his second career hat trick and first as a Ranger while Henrik Lundqvist impressed yet again with 36 big saves against Barry Melrose and his mulletuous team. While the Rangers keep rolling, ticket prices at MSG have skyrocketed. With the recent woes on Wall St. the corporate boxes have become available for purchase to the Rangers fan base. As shown in the background in the photo above following Ryan Callahan's first period goal last night, little kiddies are buying up all the extra primo seats for the remainder of the season. Asked where he got the funds to purchase the $312 face value front row seat, little Joey LaFemina (shown right in white Rangers road jersey) had a laundry list of chores he has been brushing up on lately which included pickpocketing tourists in midtown, money laundering and my personal favorite pimping himself out to the local elementary school girls. "It's mostly the Asian chicks and the fat slobs who need my lovin'," young Joey so eloquently explained. So there you have it, in a tough time for America's economy, young children are stealing and pimpin' in order to see their favorite hockey team win games. Is this morally ethical one might ask? Probably not, but if little Joey can stay out of the California Penal League I say keep doing what you're doing, Joey!

Sports Hair of the Week

Hockey fans around the globe all wish Jaromir Jagr well as he leaves the National Hockey League behind to pursue a hockey career in Russia with the same franchise where he played three years ago during the NHL lockout. Always one of the games best and most well-known players, Jagr had a very successful career on the East Coast with the Pittsburgh Penguis, Washington Capitals and New York Rangers. While his locks were not as glorious towards the tail end of his career, as a younster J.J. boasted one of the greatest mullets in hockey history. In a sport where the mullet is a common as a 12-letter last name, Jagr's was still that damn impressive. Not only did Jagr's hair have the imperative "business in the front and a party in the back" look, but the flowing curls and very lengthy back truly made this a wonder of mankind. NHL fans will miss the Czech native and the New York Rangers must move on without their captain. Let's all wish Jaromir the best of luck in the future and a giant RV99 shout-out for his mulletuous fortunes over the past two decades.

Siyonara Sean Avery

Today is a sad day for Rangers fans as the team officially bids adieu to the heart and soul of the franchise, the one and only Sean Avery. A fan-favorite and RV99 heart throb, Avery went above and beyond the call of duty in his Rangers tenure as displayed by playing his final game with a ruptured spleen. Today Avery signed a 4 year $15.5 million contract with the Dallas Stars. On behalf of Rangers and Avery fans worldwide, I'd like to congratulate and wish Sean nothing but the best while he looks for dumb, slutty women down in Dallas...should not be very difficult!

Avery to Intern at Fashion Magazine VOGUE, Ricky Vaughn 99 Left Speechless

Brodeur Whines, Cries, Bitches, Moans, Groans, Is a Sore Loser & Eventually Loses. Lundqvist Dazzles as Rangers Advance to Eastern Conferenece Semis.

Bye Bye Cuthbert, Hello Bush?

The New York Post has reported that first daughter Barbara Bush has been spotted at several New York Rangers games this season, most recently at Sunday's night's first round playoff game vs. the Devils. Bush was seen wearing a large ring on her left hand but it is not confirmed that she is engaged. The man sitting with Bush has been linked to some Sean Avery parties in the past, which begs the question: Is Avery sniffing some Bush???

Rangers Defeat Devils, Brodeur in Game One Sans Malik

Rangers Coach Tom Renney announced prior to the game that Defensive Superstar 6'10" Marek Malik would be a healthy scratch. The Blueshirts somehow found a way to win the game without the services of their 2 goal, 8 assist standout. The question still remains: will Malik now release the photos of Renney having sexual intercourse with 7 goats now that he has been officially benched? It has been assumed that Malik has a healthy stash of anti-Renney photo and video footage at home, which has prompted the coach to play the horrible defensive all season to the tune of relentless boos from the MSG faithful.

Stanley Cup Playoffs Clarification

My posting on Monday regarding the Rangers Devils series was a subtle way to include a photo of David Puddy on the blog. In no way did I actually pick the Devils to win the series, but Puddy the facepainter did. You got a question? You ask the 8-ball!

CLARIFICATION: Rangers in 4. Brodeur sucks.

Experts Pick Devils Over Rangers in Stanley Cup Playoffs Round 1

But my boy Scott Burnside says Rangers in 6.

Rangers Ride Hollweg's Lustrous Mustache & Mullet Into Playoffs

Jaromir Jagr's 2 first period goals last night against the hated Islanders propelled the Rangers to victory and sealed their fate as one of the 8 Eastern Conference Playoff teams for the third consecutive year. While Jagr and fellow foreign sensation Henrik Lundqvist were the superstars last night for the Blueshirts, it's the intangibles that the much-improved Rangers bring on a nightly basis that makes them shine. Usually this means Sean Avery, but today all the credit must go to Ryan Hollweg. Since the new year, Hollweg has not just been working on his hockey game but on much more important endeavors as well - Growing an award winning Mustache / Mullet combo. So as the Rangers embark on their playoff journey, it is Hollweg's responsibility to get down and let his teammates 'Ride the Stache' all the way to the Stanley Cup!

Sean Avery Stars as.....Client #10!

Multiple news outlets have reported over the weekend that Rangers LW Sean Avery's name was found in Kristin Davis's blackbook in the same prostitution ring as former New York State Senator Eliot Spitzer. In fact, the two even share the same nickname - "The Animal."

Avery has denied allegations and swears he remains faithful to his one and only love, Michelle Tanner. When asked for comment, Tanner provided only the following statement: "You're in big trouble, mister!" Apparently there is some confusion as to whether the statement was issued towards Avery or for teen heartthrob and lead singer of The Rippers, [Uncle] Jesse Konsopolous. Avery's Ranger teammates do not seem to be taking this matter seriously as they were reportedly "laughing hysterically" during a recent practice.

20,000 Screaming MSG Fans Chant "Re-Sign Avery"

Another huge game for the Left Winger, 2 goals in a 4-2 Rangers victory at home against the Sidney Crosby-less Penguins. Not only was Avery awarded as the #1 Star of the Game, but received the most cherished prize any athlete can dream of...a post-game interview with MSG Network Living Legend Al "The Pummel Horse" Trautwig and a $50 Gift Certificate to Frankie & Johnnie's Steakhouse!

They must have all read that Ricky Vaughn 99 Thursday 3/13/08 post!

Lock Up Avery

Not often in the NHL does an "enforcer" have any actual hockey skills. Former player Ty Domi and current bruisers Donald Brasheer and Darcy Tucker are good examples of players that play hard, fight often but lack any real hockey ability. This is not the case for New York Rangers Left Wing Sean Avery. Acquired before the trade deadline last season from the Los Angeles Kings, Avery is the heart and soul of this Rangers team that is currenly riding a hot streak for the ages having not lost a game in regulation since February 7th against the Ducks. Avery has missed some time this season with shoulder and knee injuries but when he is healthy and on the ice, Sean is like no other player in the league. He complements Jaromir Jagr nicely and has been a defining impact on rookie sensation and line mate Brandon Dubinsky. Not only does Avery knock opponents on their rear end and play tough-as-nails hockey, but he sets up his teammates and has been on a scoring barrage lately. When asked about Darcy Tucker of the Toronto Maple Leafs, Avery said, " Darcy has always been a whiner. You say you don't like his hair and he'll be upset." With his contract set to expire at season's end, now is the time for Glen Sather and Rangers management to lock up Avery to a multi-year deal and keep the dynamic player and person in New York for the forseeable future.

Sports Hair of the Week

The first Sports Hair of the Week Award goes to New York Rangers play-by-play announcer Sam Rosen. Sam has been calling Rangers games on the radio and for MSG Network since 1937 and has not taken a day off since his bar mitzvah. Sam has a very special kind of combover where he fools the crowd into thinking he has a full head of hair. While no hair grows on the top of his head anymore, Sam compensates by being able to grow a mean balding pony tail. Each Monday morning, he goes to his barber, who wraps the hair up and around the top of Sam's head and - voila - Sammy's got a full head o' hair! Take especially careful note that the hair in the front and when looking close enough, it is apparent that it hovers about 2 inches above the top of his head like an angel. Kudos to Sam for rocking this hairstyle for the past 35 years, keep doing what you're doing.