Collins Returns to Chi-town

Former Bulls, Pistons and Wizards Head Coach Doug Collins went back on his promise never to coach again and today returned to the Chicago Bulls, the same team that gave him his first NBA head coaching opportunity. One of the main reasons Collins felt comfortable returning to Chi-town is his relationship with current Bulls General Manager John Paxson, who played for Collins in the '80s. Collins agreed to coach the current team if Paxson would be willing to come off the bench and drain 3-pointers when called upon. Collins remains giddy about the upcoming season and has penciled in his starting 5 already which consists of:


G - Craig Hodges
G - Michael Jordan
SF - Scottie Pippen
PF - Horace Grant
C - Bill Cartwright (CARTWRIGHT! 4!)

With a strong bench of Brad Sellars and Sam Vincent along with Paxson, Collins sees the 2008-09 Bulls as a strong Eastern Conference team with a good chance to advance far into the playoffs. Current players Ben Gordon, Luol Deng and Joakim Noah, among others, will be jettisoned to the bench until they can prove they can play with the old guys. Chicago also holds the first pick in the upcoming NBA Draft and while analysts predict the pick will be used to select either Memphis PG Derek Rose or Kansas State PF Michael Beasley, do not be surprised to see Collins reach into his bag of tricks and trade the pick away for the rights to the 3-Headed Monster of Jack Haley-Will Perdue-Luc Longley to solidify the team's rebounding.

Sumo Wrestler Strikes Apprentice With Ladle

In one of this year's most bizarre stories, Toyko sumo wrestler Toyozakura whacked a junior sumo wrestler with a cooking instrument, a ladle. Toyozakura, whose ladle-wielding assault left the 18-year-old apprentice bleeding and needing eight stitches, will take a 30 percent pay cut for three months, Japanese sumo officials said on Thursday. The same punishment was handed out to gym chief Magaki for beating a junior wrestler with a bamboo sword in a series of incidents that has tarnished sumo's image. Violent hazing, or beating during training, has long been seen as customary, contributing to the sport's struggle to attract new recruits. But there was a public outcry over the death last year of a teenage apprentice who was beaten with a beer bottle and a baseball bat.

Toyozakura, 34, apologized after admitting he used a ladle to hit the apprentice on the head. "I asked him to do something, which I don't remember exactly, but he couldn't do it," Toyozakura said. What ever happened to the good old fashioned way of shutting up an opponent by sitting on him with your big fat sumo ass?!?

Sports Hair of the Week

This week's RV99 Sports Hair of the Week takes us beyond the lines of the four major sports and into the realm of street fighting/mixed martial arts. The ever-so-scary looking man to the left is the one and only Kimbo Slice, a former internet street fighting legend turned MMA fighter. Slice was born Kevin Furguson on February 8, 1974 and worked as a bodyguard for RK Netmedia, a Miami-based pornography production/promotion company responsible for a number of popular adult subscription websites, such as MILF Hunter. Kimbo still maintains close ties with the company who now accompanies him, as his fight entourage before entering the ring. Kimbo stands 6'2" and tips the scales at a solid 240 lbs. While his physique is intimidating, his hairdo is more of an anomaly. Slice boasts the best beard a man can possibly grow. The hairs on that beard take up every square inch on his face while the same cannot be said for his head. Slice has a bit of a George Costanza look going here with the shiny bald top of the head quite exposed. On the sides though, Slice has gone for a braided look, not exactly what one would expect from someone with a balding issue. Slice has never been known as a conformist so the fact that he went with such an original look here is far from surprising. The ladies must be all over him like white on rice!

Roll Out Those Bids, Auction for Sushi Dinner With Dice-K Officially Open

...Eggroll please...and the winner, with a high bid of $729,029.00 iiiiiis..........KEI IGAWA!! Congratulations, Kei!Who doesn't want to just chuck a brick at the heads of these two D-bags?!?

With Chamberlain Set to Join Rotation, Yanks Find Their 8th Inning Guy

Dicey Times Call for Dicey Measures

After throwing two warmup pitches before the 5th inning last night, Red Sox pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka removed himself from the game because of shoulder tightness. The Japanese pitcher was 8-0 in his second season in the big leagues, enjoying much success against the American League hitters so far in the young season. When the team trainer came out to have a looksee, Dice-K immediately called for his interpreter, who came sprinting out of the dugout towards the mound. Apparently, a pointing motion towards the shoulder region was not considered by Matsuzaka, as his interpreter went back and forth with him and the trainer about the injury. Have Red Sox fans considered the possibility that their $100 million dollar pitcher may be mentally retarded or just plain dumb at a minimum?!? It doesn't take an English speaking rocket scientist to shake his head and point to his shoulder and Dice-K will never learn the language if he keeps relying on his interpreter to wipe his ass at every uncomfortable moment in life!

Bret Boone Officially Retires, Adamant About No Sexual Ties to Sam Champion

Syracuse Wins Hockey National Championship With Nets on Sticks

This apparent hockey-like game is called LACROSSE and Syracuse captured its 10th National Title, most by any school. The Orange also became the first team to win it all after failing to make the tournament the previous year.

Editorial Correction: Gayer Photo of Sam Champion Available at Google.com [search: 'Sam Champion pinky']

Enjoy your Memorial Day weekend! -RV99

Yanks Win Second Straight, Bandwagon Open for Business

Drogba Gets 'Bitch-Slap' In But Man U Defeats Chelsea in Shootout Thriller

Soccer doesn't usually get much press in the U.S. but yesterday's UEFA Champions League Finals between hated British rivals Manchester United and Chelsea (not to be confused with the gay neighborhood in New York) proved to be one of the greatest sporting events of the young 21st century. 2-time reigning FIFA Player of the Year Christiano Ronaldo chipped in a first half goal and the game went into Overtime riding a 1-1 tie. The rain really came down in Moscow during the OT and tempers on both teams began to flare. After a incident near the far sideline at mid field, a small ruckess ensued. Chelsea middie Didier Drobda "bitch-slapped" a Man U player with an open hand right across his face! This made the Zidane head-butt two years ago look like a love tap. Drogba was instantly given a red card and removed from the match. Chelsea played the final eight minutes of OT down a man and eventually lost in a shootout by the score of 6-5. It was an epic match reminiscent of the Italy vs. Brazil shootout some ten years ago. While the soccer was great, the bitch-slap was legendary...Didier Drogba 4 President!

Yanks Make Bold Decision to Convert Joba to...Latvian Orthodox??

In a shocking twist of events after a lot of chatter and belching from Yankees Owner Hank Steinbrenner (aka Little Stein), Brian Cashman released information prior to last night's game and changed course on his previous intentions with superstar young gun pitcher Joba Chamberlain. Chamberlain, a starting pitcher for Nebraska in college, has been used as the setup man to Mariano Rivera, throwing heat and beating up geeks in the 8th inning before handing the ball over to the greatest closer in the history of baseball. There has been much discussion regarding moving Joba into a starting role to better benefit the team by using all of his talent. Cashman issued the following statement regarding the conversion of the prized young Yankee arm: "Joba will remain in the bullpen for now and will be working towards becoming a starter later in the season. While he will not be converting now per se, he will be converting in another way, that is to the Latvian Orthodox Church. Chamberlain grew up in an American Indian household but since meeting the love of his life, he is intent on avoiding 'The Kavorka' and making the conversion to Latvian Orthodox. We should all applaud Joba for his bold move and wish him and Sister Roberta nothing but the best of luck going forward."

Fans Just "Dying" To See Mets

Justin Hayes, of Cumming, Georgia (this is a real town!) fell 150 feet to his death last night at Turner Field following the game between the Mets and Braves. A Braves spokesman said Hayes apparently fell from the club level to the landing on the field level during the eighth inning. Hayes may have been sliding down the handrails when he fell and there is a chance that alcohol was involved. Police are still investigating the incident. Earlier this season, a fan at Shea Stadium in New York was killed when he plunged four stories from an escalator during a game as his horrified children looked on. After these two horrid occurrences coupled with the Mets Collapse of '07, it is becoming more and more evident that fans are just dying to see the Amazins play!

Taylor to Skip Dolphins Camp to Work on Dancing Technique

Miami Dolphins DE Jason Taylor does not enjoy losing. After last night's crushing loss to Kristy Rubmycoochie in Dancing With the Stars, Taylor was so livid steam was seen coming out of his ears. Like a second grader not getting his way, Taylor stomped around backstage and broke several chairs after finishing as the runner-up in the highly-rated idiot program. New 'Fins Coach and Mustachial Phenomenon Tony Sparano had this say upon learning of Taylor's intentions not to show up for OTA's in Miami: "This is my reaction with the Jason Taylor situation, and I'm going to answer this question one time. I'm not going to answer another question about the Jason Taylor situation after I answer this. Here's what I know: What I know is that Jason Taylor -- and I'm glad we've gotten the information; that's important -- I know that Jason is not going to be at any OTAs (organized-team activities). I know that Jason is not going to be at any minicamps, and I know that right now, that Jason is not going to be at training camp. So that's what we know. Jason's a player under contract with the Miami Dolphins. He knows that. Both parties are well aware of the information. That's all I'm going to say about it. I want to talk to my players now."

Zach Randolph to NY Media: "Stop Calling Me Willie, dammit!"

D'Antoni Explains Knicks Needs

(From today's Newsday): What needs do the Knicks have? "Guards, forwards and centers, probably," said Mike D'Antoni, who represented the Knicks on the dais here at the NBA Entertainment Studios. "I don't know, you usually get the best guy available."

Way to restore confidence in the New York fan base, Mikey!

After Weighing Options (None), Pizza Man Calls it Quits

Mike Piazza, the all-time home run hitting catcher in MLB history, has finally called it a career after nearly 16 seasons in baseball with the Dodgers, Marlins, Mets, Padres and Athletics. Taken by the Los Angeles Dodgers in the 62nd round of the 1988 amateur draft, Piazza became a 12-time All-Star, making the NL team 10 consecutive times from 1993-2002. He finished with a .308 career average, 427 home runs and 1,335 RBIs. Piazza released the following statement through his agent, Dan Lozano: "After discussing my options with my wife, family and agent, I felt it is time to start a new chapter in my life. It has been an amazing journey ... So today, I walk away with no regrets." Piazza discussed his "options" but what exactly were those options considering no major league team had any interest in signing the bearded wonder in 2008?!? Bear in mind Piazza still wanted to catch and did not consider himself strictly a DH, even going into the '08 season. Apparently these options he speaks of include skinny dipping with his hot ex-Baywatch star wife, making phony phone calls to the Clemens estate in Houston, and adamantly denying any homosexual involvement with ABC Weatherman Sam Champion (pictured above). Considering these options, retirement was the correct move for Mikey P. who should be enshrined in Cooperstown when his time comes in five years.

Pedro Announces Possible Intentions of Maybe Perhaps Retiring at Season's End

Break out the tissues because Pedro Jaime Martinez and his 10.80 ERA could possibly be calling 2008 his final season in a 16-year career. Pedro hasn't pitched since pulling his hamstring in his first start of the year and has not won 10 games since his first season with the Mets in 2005. After winning a world series with Boston in 2004, Pedro skipped town for a 4-year $53 million deal with the Amazin's, but as many lowly Mets fans will tell you, he has not been worth his price tag. Pedro's 78-year-old father Pablo is fighting a form of brain cancer and Pedro has cited this as his reason for possibly perhaps maybe considering retiring from baseball. Friends of Pedro secretly believe the former Cy Young winner is considering retirement so that he can sit under mango trees in his native Dominican Republic. Always known for his love of the mango, Pedro actually believed Don Zimmer's head was a gigantic mango when he threw Zim to the ground in '03! Martinez will be most remembered for his colorful antics, his jerry curls and the entire Yankee Stadium fan base chanting "Who's Your Daddy?!?"

Dodgers Have Seen Enough of Jones

Joe Torre was all smiles in the Dodgers dugout last night after news broke that his "star" center fielder, the .167 hot-hitting Andruw Jones, may need knee surgery. After undergoing an MRI, results revealed a slight cartilage tear in his right knee. Torre, after looking at his shiny gold wristwatch, believes the tear could have occurred during one of Jones's numerous strikeouts this season. Jones signed a two-year, $36.2 million contract with the Dodgers in the offseason after playing his entire steroid-laced career with the Atlanta Braves. Always known as a 5-tool player, Jones has somehow misplaced that hitting tool, as he has a meager 2 home runs and 7 RBI in 2008 and has been batting in the 8-hole for L.A. Jones hopes to put off surgery until after the season, but the Dodgers have a different approach. Said GM Ned Coletti: "This farce hit 51 and 41 home runs for the Braves in '05 and '06, respectively. We gave him big money and he blows goats! I hope he gets surgery right now and spends the rest of the season hanging out and training with Carl Pavano! Man I can't wait to collect on the insurance policy I took out for this human waste of life!"

Dumb Kid Actually Makes Good Point

Giambi Admits to Wearing Ladies Underwear

Worst Pitcher in Baseball Sent Back Down to Minors Carrying 18.00 ERA

"I am disappointed that I was not able to produce the results that I wanted, as well as what was expected out of the team," Igawa said in a statement. "Moving forward, I will continue to work hard to be able to contribute to the team in the future." What are the chances that this statement was made WITHOUT a translator?!? Ian Kennedy was recalled to make yesterday's start in Kei Igawa's place and after surrendering five earned runs over five innings, it was clear that the youngster while rusty, is still a million times better than Igawa, who should have his eye on a lefty specialist role for a little league for kids with special needs or at least on the McDonalds Classifieds section.

Rodman Adds Domestic Abuse to Impressive Resume

Former NBA players are in the news aplenty this week with ex-Detroit Pistons bad boy Dennis Rodman following in Charles Barkley's footsteps. Rodman was charged with domestic violence for allegedly hitting his girlfriend at a hotel last month. Rodman was charged Wednesday with spousal battery, brandishing a deadly weapon, and one count of dissuading a witness, all of which are misdemeanors. The 46-year-old Rodman was arrested at a hotel April 30 after his girlfriend Gina Peterson called hotel security and injuries were suffered to her arm. Rodman spokesman Darren Prince says Rodman had had too much to drink when he got into an altercation with Peterson. Following the ordeal, Rodman was pleased that he was able to add domestic abuse to a stunning and polished resume that already includes being named Commissioner of the Lingerie Football League in 2005, a brief marriage to Carmen Electra, involvement in a wife-carrying contest in Sonkajarvi (that he pulled out of due to health problems) and a brief WCW pro wrestling career. Congrats Dennis - you are officially a class act!

Marbury "Running up the Mountains" to Prep for New Offense

The once-banished star point guard for the New York Knicks is excited about the up-tempo offense new head coach Mike D'Antoni brings to the big apple. With one year and $21.9 million remaining on his max contract, the best move for the Knickerbockers is to let Stephon Marbury play out the remaining year of his contract so he comes off the books. Others options include buying him out or finding a trade partner, both of which are unlikely. While Stephon feuding quite publicly with former head coach and current [fill in B.S. title here] Isiah Thomas, he stated during D'Anotni's press conference that he is excited about playing for the new regime. Steph has customized his new workout routine to fit this style of play: "I changed my whole workout regimen to get ready for him," Marbury told the New York Daily News. "I've been doing what Karl Malone did, running up the mountains. I think from watching how the Suns play and the way he allowed Steve Nash to orchestrate certain situations, I could see myself fitting into that." Now we are just left to speculate where in Brooklyn Marbury was able to find these so-called mountains!

Barkley Uses Book Title to Chase Away Gambling Debts

Current TNT analyst and former 16-year NBA great Charles Barkley made headlines again today for his wild ways. According to unnamed sources, Barkley faces felony charges if he fails to pay back the Wynn Las Vegas the $400,000 he owes. The casino alleges in court documents filed Wednesday that Barkley failed to repay four $100,000 casino markers, or loans, he received last Oct. 18 and 19 after writing bad checks.

In his recent trips to Vegas, Chuck has carried with him a copy of his latest book, Who's Afraid of a Large Black Man? Whenever given a hard time, Bark has taken out the book, given the look of death and asked if "[You] want a piece of me, fool?" The "Round Mound of Rebound" has been a well-known fan of casino and sports gambling over the years, most notably when he lost a bet with TNT Host Ernie Johnson over how many donuts he can fit in his mouth at one time.