MLB Hires Old-Timer to Bring Ted Williams' Brain to Fan Fest in New York

So is it in the Mini Mate cooler or in the fashion-statement fanny pack?!?

Hankie Pankie

Hank Steinbrenner has a big mouth just like his father, although he lacks the baseball knowledge and overall intelligence that Big Stein has always had. While Hank spent the past 20 years working on his families' horse farm and perfecting his "cool guy cigarette smoking technique," he was completely absent from front office decisions being made in Yankee land. Hank showed his ignorance during the offseason when he pushed heavily for the Yanks to unload a myriad of young talent in exchange for Johan Santana, who eventually landed in New York, but not in the Bronx. Now he is throwing first year manager Joe Giradi under the bus with his most recent statements regarding Joba Chamberlain: "I want him as a starter and so does everyone else, including him, and that is what we are working toward and we need him there now," Steinbrenner told the New York Times. "There is no question about it, you don't have a guy with a 100-mile-per-hour fastball and keep him as a setup guy. You just don't do that. You have to be an idiot to do that." Unfortunately there's only one idiot patrolling the halls at Yankee Stadium and while his name is Hank, he cannot be confused by any stretch of the imagination with a certain other Hank who held the all-time homerun record until last season.

Strangest (and Most Horrifying) Injury of the Year

The Associated Press has reported that Houston Astros 2B Kazuo Matsui has undergone surgery to repair an "anal fissure" but the team hopes to keep their newly acquired speedster off the disabled list. When asked about Matsui, Rockies Manager Clint Hurdle told the AP that team doctors have recommended Matsui have his anus sewn closed and Matsui is heavily considering doing so and limiting his diet to corn and Frosted Flakes. He has also been instructed that in lieu of toilet paper, he must use household duster pads to wipe for 12-16 weeks.When consulting Wikipedia, the following definition was provided:

ANAL FISSURE: An unnatural crack or tear in the anus skin. As a fissure, these tiny tears may show as bright red rectal bleeding and cause severe periodic pain after defecation.[1] The tear usually extends from the anal opening and located posteriorly in the midline. This location is probably because of the relatively unsupported nature of the anal wall in that location.

Yikes! Hopefully doctors have prescribed a healthy mix of painkillers and Colt 45 for Kaz because it sounds like a painful recovery. Phone calls in to Steve Phillips, Omar Minaya, Bobby Valentine, Willie Randolph, Jim Duquette and the entire New York Mets organization were not returned. It is fairly clear the Mets resent Matsui deeply for his poor performance in New York and quick turnaround into a decent ballplayer the moment he left the Big Apple. Unfortunately with his anal condition, Matsui won't be eating big apples anytime soon.